One and Done
by Emma O'Leary
Summary: Bella is a college girl who doesn't do commitment. She's haunted by scars of the past. Will her cousin Emmett's new roommate see through her facade she shows the world? Will she let him past the walls she's built? AH
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

* * *

Chapter 1

Tick. Tick. Tick.

The noise sounded deafening in the deserted diner. As I looked around, taking in the worn red booths and the scuffed tabletops, I sighed. Working into the wee hours of the morning on a weeknight never boded well for good tips or remaining conscious. It also allowed time for my mind to wander which was never a good thing…

I sighed again. My manager, Esme, was hoping to become the hip spot that the college kids went to after a night of studying or a night of drinking. So far it hadn't caught on.

I mentally calculated how long it would be before I was home in my apartment curled up under my comforter. 46 minutes if I jogged the several blocks to my place, quickly brushed my teeth, stripped down and fell into bed.

"Bella? You can head out if you've done your side work."

Since my side work had been done for the last hour, I breathed out a sigh of relief. "Esme, you are a saint. Have I told you how much I adore you today?"

Esme just smiled fondly and shooed me out the door telling me she would see me tomorrow.

Unlocking the door with a satisfying click, I entered the quiet space. This was odd. It was never this quiet. Between the three of us, there was always music playing or trashy TV on in the background. I tossed my keys on the side table and headed for the kitchen.

There asleep on her Psychology book was one of my roommates, Alice. She was still for once, only the slight movement from her steady breathing. This was quite the change of pace from her usual vibrations. I swear, that girl never stopped moving when she was awake.

I set down my bag on the chair next to her and turned to the fridge to pull out a beer. Settling down and propping my feet up on the seat next to me, I popped the top and nudged Alice's shoulder.

"Alice… Al, time to wake up," I said in a soothing voice. No joy. "Al, the house is on fire," I tried again with slightly more urgency. "Al, is it okay for me to mix stripes and plaids?" I heard a grumble from her under her arm. Now we're getting somewhere. "What about this brown belt? Can I wear it with my black lacy top?"

"Are you crazy?" she screeched. "Bell, you are the most fashion illiterate person…" she trailed off, realizing that I was just ribbing her. She blinked her big eyes at me trying to figure out where she was and what time it was.

"Don't worry, Alice. After almost 3 years of living with you, I'm better trained than that." I smiled at her coyly. "Trying to study through osmosis again?" I indicated the drool mark on the tattered text book.

"I have an exam on Friday and Jasper kept me up too late last night." She wiggled her eyebrows at me. "We got in quite a work out." She giggled.

"Oh yeah? You try out that new move we were reading about in Cosmo?" I piped in, goading her.

"Definitely, although it was complicated getting my feet up…"

I took that moment to glance at the clock. "Sorry, Al. As much as I love over-sharing, I am beat. Rain check?"

She just wiggled her eyebrows at me again and wished me sweet dreams.

I chuckled to myself as fell face first into bed, thoroughly exhausted from the day. Too exhausted for my thoughts to creep forward. Just like I like it. Mentally reviewing if I had set my alarm clock, I drifted off to sleep.

Creative Writing was one of my favorite classes on my course load right now. I enjoyed the creative process of writing short stories and poetry. The zing of getting your ideas down on paper, of giving birth to something that was entirely yours.

I did not enjoy sharing in front of a room full of strangers.

The last 20 minutes of today's class was devoted to sharing our writing and allowing for constructive criticism. I declined.

As we were dismissed, Mr. Henkel was passing back the previous assignment with marks and notes for revision. As he handed me mine, he looked me in the eye. "Nicely done, Bella. Quite a lot of raw emotion here. I would love to have you share some time."

That was not going to happen, but I smiled at him weakly hoping he'd take it as a maybe. I gathered up my bag and shuttered at the thought of bearing my soul to the class. My short story had been about the disastrous aftermath of the death of a child told from the point of view of the father. Not going to happen, I repeated to myself. I closed my eyes for a moment to control and push down the mental anguish that threatened to come forth. I took a breath. Moving on.

I strolled across campus, ear-buds in, as my latest playlist filled my head with sound. I was off to meet Rose, my other roommate, for lunch. Spring was just starting to show herself, but there was still a crispness to the air that told me winter wasn't quite finished yet. Of course, spring on campus meant that Rush and Pledging was just around the corner. I couldn't wait to snicker at stupid freshman so desperate to belong that they'd do almost anything.

The Grill, as everyone called it, had changed hands and names more that I could count in my short time here. The food, however, remained constant. It was good and cheap and located a block from the quad. During the day and evening, it was a family friendly establishment with a variety of dining choice. After a certain time of night, the college students and 20-somethings took over. They even had $2 burger baskets and $1 drafts on Thursdays. Every college student's dream. Full and drunk for under ten bucks.

I caught Rose's profile as I entered and headed over to the booth. She tossed her long blonde hair over her shoulder and eyed a table of frat boys with disdain. "Hey Rose," I said lightly.

Her face warmed immediately. "Hey kid!" echoing the nickname my annoying cousin had for me. She had obviously been spending way too much time with him. Well, they were practically engaged, so I suppose that was acceptable.

I growled back at her in annoyance. She just chuckled at me. "Emmett is a bad influence on you," I muttered darkly.

She smiled wider. "You only have yourself to blame. You did introduce us after all."

My frown finally broke into a grin as this old repartee resurfaces. "More to your detriment than mine, I think," I said smiling smugly. She may love him, but Emmett is a lot to handle sometimes.

"So, what's new?" she asked looking down at her menu.

"Same old. Diner's been slow lately. My English classes are kicking my ass. Too much reading. Too many papers."

"What'd you expect? You're an English Lit Major." She stretched it out and enunciated it like I was a little slow on the uptake. I rolled my eyes at her.

"No one ever said I was the sharpest tool in the shed."

Just then, the waiter came to take our orders. He tried to flirt a little with Rose, but went to enter our orders after getting the cold shoulder. "What's new with you?" I asked. "How is my wayward cousin?"

She got a slightly faraway look in her eye as she answered. "He's good. Actually, he got a new roommate, thank God."

The saga of Emmett's old roommate was a slightly hilarious, mostly horrifying tale. Apparently, he found religion. Don't get me wrong, I have faith. I believe in right and wrong. I do not, however, take to leaving pamphlets about my apartment about how to save your soul and why alcohol is the devil's juice, or explain to my roommate's girlfriend that she is a harlot that is going straight to the bowels of hell for her multiple sins. Nor did I take to crossing myself and leaving the room whenever said sinner entered it. Needless to say, Emmett has been on a mission to find a new roommate, pronto.

"Oh, fantastic! Is he sane?" What? That's a valid question, right?

"He seems normal enough. Plus, he's lick-able," she stated indifferently. I arched an eyebrow at her.

"Really? Above gorgeous and scrumptious?" We had a scale worked out after several years of objectifying men. "What's his name?"

"Edward. He's a grad student and he works over in the Psych office. Maybe Alice knows him."

My mind pondered this new information as our lunches arrived. If he was Emmett's roommate, that probably made him persona non grata, even if he was lick-able on the hotness scale. Guys always seemed to get clingy after I told them about my dating policies. Maybe I'd have to feel him out. Feel him. Now there's an idea.

"Friday, we're all going out to the bars. You're coming," she declared, leaving no room for argument. I held up my hands in surrender. At least, I had Friday to look forward to because this week was already starting to wear on me. I wonder if he really is lick-able…


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

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Chapter 2

Thursday night found me back at The Grill for greasy burgers and cheap beers with Alice and Jasper. I was on my third beer and on my way to feeling no pain. The conversation had turned to the following night.

"I totally know Edward! I've never really talk to him, but he's in there whenever I go talk to my professors," Alice nearly shouted. She had consumed just as many beverages as I had, but her petite little frame couldn't quite handle the liquor like mine could. Hell, I was a lightweight, too; she was just a bigger one.

"So was Rose right? Is he lick-able?" Jasper rolled his eyes at us. He had put up with Alice and I's shenanigans long enough to know better than to protest. He just sat there drinking his beer, getting mellower and mellower with each beverage he drank. I had never seen him drunk. No matter how much he drank, he just seemed to get more relaxed, never passing into the giggly or angry drunk stage most of us seemed to possess.

"Definitely lick-able," she gushed. "I might even upgrade him to sizzling if I saw him shirtless. It's hard to tell with so many layers."

"That's quite an endorsement," I said with a smirk.

"Oh, believe me, it's well deserved," she shot back with a grin. She suddenly narrowed her eyes at me. "You're not going to…" she trailed off.

"What?"

"You know… one and done him?" Alice asked sassily.

I burst out laughing. "Alice! I've never heard it put quite like that before."

She shot me a glare and crossed her hands over her chest. "You didn't answer my question."

"She has a point, Bella," Jasper said with a twinkle in his eye. He was obviously amused by the turn in the conversation. "You do have a habit of sleeping with a guy and never calling him back." His lips stretched wide.

All my friends found my dating policy amusing. A girl who only did one night stands. A girl who never expected and, honestly, didn't want a call the next day. You would think that guys would be all for this policy. Either I had the worst luck, which I wasn't entirely discounting, or men were not as big of Neanderthals as they'd like women to believe. The last guy, Mike, called me crying because I was dodging his phone calls after "the most sensual night of my life." I nearly had to change my number after that one.

"Hey! When did it become pick on Bella time? I just don't date! Why is this so hard to understand? Also, I like sex and I'm not ashamed of that fact!" By now there were several tables around us who had heard my little rant, and I blushed deeply as I thought about shouting "I like sex" in the middle of a crowded bar. Lowering my voice, but still getting the stares of several members of the opposite sex with interested smiles on their faces, I continued. "So what if I want to one and done him? Is that so wrong?"

Alice smiled at me as you would a child who was asking if two plus two always equaled four. "Bella, I am all for having an active sex life. In fact, Jasper and I do it…" She trailed off at a scowl from Jasper. I snickered. "It's just, we want you to have more than that. We want you to have a relationship with someone you care about. We love you, Bella. We want you to be happy." She looked at me and I had to look away from the love I saw in her eyes.

I took a deep pull of my beer. I was happy, I told myself. But even that sounded hollow to my ears. Okay, not happy, but surviving in a semi-content state. I had my classes, my friends, and my job at the diner. My life was full. I made sure it was full to the brim. I kept going, kept living, after everything.

I felt the angst pushing at the back of my throat, but viciously shoved it away and went to my go-to sarcastic wit. "Orgasms without all the drama? What's not to be happy about?" I curved my face into what I hoped was a wicked grin. I was pretty good at faking it after all these years.

Luckily, drunk Alice has the attention span of a cocker spaniel, so when a song she liked came on, she squealed and grabbed my hand. Dragging me onto the dance floor, she grabbed my hips and started moving them in time with hers. Another item on Alice's roommate training agenda. After fashion, there was dancing. I was an old pro after fake id's got us into bars and clubs our freshman and sophomore years and real id's got us in our junior year. I wiggled to the beat of the song, and it wasn't long before an attractive college boy came to ease my loneliness. I melted into his arms and enjoyed the feel of him pressed behind me, swaying to the rhythm of the song.

* * *

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Ungh," I grunted, very unladylike in my grogginess. I was feeling very relaxed and the alarm clock was ruining my mood. My mind was blissfully thought-free. I tried to reach for my alarm clock, but found myself pinned downed by a massive forearm. I grimaced. He was a cuddler. At least last night had been satisfying.

I pushed the offending object off of myself, desperate now to stop the beeping. It felt as if it was driving the nail farther into my head with each successive wail. Finally achieving my goal, I laid back, smiling at my success. The smile was short lived because the meaty forearm was back. This time accompanied by a sleepy smile.

"Morning, Bella," he murmured.

"Morning…" I trailed off. Crap. What was his name? This was embarrassing.

"Nate," he said looking a little put off.

"I know," I huffed, trying to look believable. "Look, Nate, I have a class I have to get to so…" Damn, at this rate, he's going to think I don't know how to finish a sentence.

"Oh, no problem." He got up and started putting his clothes back on. "Listen, I had a great time last night. Like really great. I'd love to get to know you more. Maybe go out to dinner."

I nearly smacked my hand to my forehead. "Sure, sure. You know I'm really busy right now with class and work, but why don't I call you." At this point, I had managed to get him down stairs and to the door. He leaned in for a kiss, so I gave him a quick peck and gave him what I hoped was a playful shove out the door, closing it behind him. I leaned back against it, resting my head on the wood.

"So, how was your night?" Alice called in a sing-song voice from the kitchen. Groaning, I headed towards her for some much needed coffee. As I moved around the kitchen, Alice's eyes followed me over her cup of tea.

"Yes?" I asked in what I hoped was an innocent voice.

"You and Nick have a good time?" There go those eyebrows again. She should get them checked. They seem to have a mind of their own.

"His name was Nate, actually, and we had a very nice time. In fact, I had a nice time twice," I told her with a wistful smile.

"And…" she paused, waiting.

"And what? It was nice. Now, I'm going to go to class and then to the diner." I was already planning out my day in my head so there would be no down time. Alice huffed a little, but said nothing. "See you tonight!" I called as I headed back to my room to get ready for the busy day ahead.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

"_And what? It was nice. Now, I'm going to go to class and then to the diner." I was already planning out my day in my head so there would be no down time. Alice huffed a little, but said nothing. "See you tonight!" I called as I headed back to my room to get ready for the busy day ahead._

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Chapter 3

The day moved by quickly from one thing to the next. I went to my American Literature class, then I studied in the library until my Creative Writing class. After that, I walked to the diner in time for the lunch rush. The diner was busy, and there was even a pretty steady stream of customers between lunch and dinner. I always had something to do.

When another server finally came to take over for me, I was actually running a little late if I was going to be ready to go out with my friends. I popped in my earbuds and walked briskly back to apartment.

Upon entering, I was greeted by a cacophony of noise. The TV was on in the living room and an infomercial was touting the amazing properties of some new-fangled mop that would apparently change my life. I could hear music coming from both Alice and Rose's rooms down the hall. On top of it all, they were shouting back and forth at each other about what they were going to wear that evening.

Just then, Alice popped into the hallway, clearly halfway through getting ready.

"Oh! Bella! There you are! Finally! You have no time! Go, strip, shower!" Alice was clearly excited about tonight.

I quickly moved to follow her instructions lest I feel the wrath of Alice. She may be tiny, but man was she vindictive if she didn't get her way. After washing and exfoliating all the important parts, I hopped out of the shower and made my way to my room. There on my bed was an outfit that I had clearly not picked out. There just wasn't enough of it for it to have been mine. Sure, Alice or Rose could have pulled it off, but me? No way.

I briskly walked over to Alice's room. "Al, there is no way I am wearing that," I whined.

Alice leveled a stern look in my direction and said, "You will and that's final." I threw my hands up in the air and stomped back to my room. Glaring at the offending item, I gritted my teeth and dropped the towel.

* * *

I could already hear the music as we walked down the hall to Emmett's place. My kitten heels clicked on the tile floor, a concession from Alice so that at least I wouldn't break my ankle tonight. The shrug was also donned with complaint from the fashion Nazi, but as I claimed it was necessary for survival on the still chilly nights, I was allowed to keep on the offensive item. It also helped to make me feel slightly less naked in the strapless blue dress that ended well above my knees.

As we got closer, laughter accompanied the sound of music. The boisterous sound could only be my big, burly cousin, Emmett. Rose took the lead, pushing the door open without knocking. There sitting around the living room were three good looking guys. Emmett was there looking larger than life and built like a linebacker. Jasper was sitting next to him, lankier than Emmett, pushing his blonde hair out of his eyes. Finally, sitting with his back to me, there was a third man. All I could see was a mop of wavy, reddish hair and a pair of muscular shoulders. That must be Edward, I thought to myself.

"Hello, gentlemen!" Alice shouted exuberantly. Rose simply stalked in, silent and beautiful. I took that moment to trip over the carpet lying in the entry way. I quickly righted myself and smiled sheepishly at the room.

"Hey everybody," I said with a blush. I made eye contact with a pair of green eyes that were crinkled in amusement. My eyes wandered to the rest of his face and over his torso. Alice was right; I just might have to upgrade him to sizzling. My blush deepened as a loud guffaw filled my ears.

"Hey kid! You sure your middle name isn't Grace?" Emmett guffawed again as he swept me up in a hug.

"Good to see you too, cuz," I spit out, rolling my eyes. When oxygen was becoming a rare resource, he released me and greeted my companions in a similar fashion. Jasper had come over as well, and now he gave me a fist bump. Finally, I was left facing the outstretched hand of Emmett's new roommate.

"Hi, I'm Edward," he greeted me with a smile.

"Bella," I replied, shaking his hand. He held on just a little longer than is polite, eyes locked with mine. When he let go, he turned and introduced himself to Alice and Rose.

"Can I get anyone a drink?" Emmett hollered over the music and the talking. We all signaled yes and relocated from the entryway to the living room to get more comfortable. Soon, Emmett returned carrying 6 bottles of beer. I took a long sip to ease my nerves.

"So, Edward," Alice began. "You crazy? Any skeletons in your closet that we should know about?"

"Tactful, Al," I muttered under my breath. Edward, however, chuckled good-naturedly.

"No," he said. Then, the smile faded as his face grew serious. "But you're all going to be sorry unless you repent!" He crossed himself. "Ask for forgiveness for your premarital sex and your devil juice! Repent I say before you are struck down!" The room was silent for a moment before we all burst into laughter. Obviously, Edward had already heard about Emmett's former roommate. I felt tears come to my eyes as I laughed harder than I have in a long time. Even Edward couldn't keep a straight face after a moment and joined in. "In all seriousness, the only crazy thing I do is sing in the shower. Badly." We all chuckled again at that. I desperately fought the urge to picture Edward in the shower with very little success.

"So, what do you do, Edward? Besides work in the Psych office?" Alice was back, drilling him with questions. By the end of the night, we'd know his middle name, his mother's maiden name, where he went to elementary school, and his shoe size. I kept my face passive, like I didn't want to know everything about him. I had to keep reminding myself that he was Emmett's roommate and therefore off limits. I couldn't chance that he would get clingy when I was over at Emmett's all the time. Hopefully, I'd learn something that made me realize he was a jerk or, at the very least, crazy.

"I'm working on earning my masters in Psychology. Luckily, I was able to get a job in the Psych office to help pay the bills."

"Oooh! I'm getting my bachelors in Psych! Did you ever have class with…" And she was off. Alice and Edward fell into a conversation about which prof had a toupee and which one was sleeping with his students. Having only taken Intro to Psych before realizing the human psyche, namely mine, was not a place I wanted to examine, I quickly lost interest in the words of their conversation. Instead, I was covertly watching the way Edward's lips moved out of the corner of my eye. Damn, his mouth was sexy.

Before I knew it, my beer was gone and we were standing up to leave. Couples paired off, wrapping their arms around one another as we made our way into the chilly night. I was left to walk awkwardly beside Edward who had shoved his hands in his pockets. I crossed my arms across my chest.

"So, Bella, what's your major?" Edward asked, smiling down at me, and I felt my cheeks heat under his scrutiny.

"English Lit." I searched my brain for something, anything, more to say. Edward saved me from myself.

"Sounds interesting. What's your favorite part?"

"Creative writing, definitely. I wish I could be an author, but I know it's really hard to break into. My career counselor told me it was time to get serious about my future. But I love to write, the words seem to jump onto the paper from my pen," I gushed at him. Realizing what I had just said, I glanced back down at the sidewalk, intent on watching where I was walking.

"You sound so passionate about it. I would love to read what you've written," Edward responded with a soft smile.

"Oh, Bella doesn't let anyone read her writing unless it's one of her profs for a grade," Alice chimed in from in front of us. I glanced up at him. Edward looked at me quizzically.

"I'm not very good and it's very personal," I muttered. I pushed down emotion that was threatening to close up my throat. I looked back at the sidewalk, for safety reasons, of course. It definitely didn't have anything to do with a pair of green eyes that seemed to pierce me with their gaze. "Do you enjoy studying psychology?" I asked, hoping to take the focus off of me.

"I do. It's so fascinating the way the human brain works. The brain is complex and has many aspects inside and psychology is basically analyzing ones thoughts and behavior. Psychology is interesting because we as humans are interesting, diverse, and complex." He sounded so passionate, so enthralled, and suddenly I had found my reason to keep my distance from Edward. I did not want him learning how my brain worked and analyzing my thoughts. Alice was bad enough, but she knew me well enough to not psych-analyze me. Edward, however…

I realized that he had trailed off and was waiting for some kind of response from me. "Wow, you must really love it. What kind of psychology do you want to go into?"

"I was thinking about school psychology, but I must admit that forensic psychology has always fascinated me. But that might be because I watch too many crime dramas on TV," he said with a mischievous smile. I smiled back at him.

"Did you see the new Criminal Minds that was on last week?" I asked enthusiastically. I was obsessed with crime shows! Certainly, this had to be neutral territory.

"Yes! The one where the parents were helping their son find victims?"

We talked animatedly about our love for the drama and mystery that came along with the shows we loved. I even recommended one that he had never seen before, and he had promised he would give it a try. Before I knew it, we were at the Grill and the bouncer was checking our ids before letting us inside. We found a high-top table and the guys went off to get us ladies some drinks.

As we were standing there chatting, I felt two hands encircle my waist and a voice whispered in my ear. "Hey Bella…"


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

_As we were standing there chatting, I felt two hands encircle my waist and a voice whispered in my ear. "Hey Bella…"_

* * *

Chapter 4

I froze as the voice whispered, in what I'm sure he thought was a seductive manner. I shook off his arms, took a large step away, and turned to face my groper.

"Hey Nate," I said stiffly. I heard a giggle come from either Rose or Alice. Not helping, ladies.

"Bella, I'm so glad we ran into each other again." He took a step towards me and I took another step back. It probably looked like we were doing some strange dance. Yeah, the can't-take-a-hint-dance, I thought to myself wryly. "Maybe we can pick up where we left off this morning." Nate glanced up and down my body lecherously. Suddenly, I couldn't remember why I found him attractive.

"Listen, Nate, I'm with my friends right now. I'm not going to ditch them." He took another step forward. I tried to take another step back, but I was officially out of room. I held up my hand. "I told you, I'm pretty busy right now with work and school. I'll call you, okay?" Like when we are the last two people on Earth, I finished in my head.

Just then, Edward, Emmett, and Jasper returned from getting drinks. It didn't take a psychologist to recognize that my body language was saying "Get the hell away from me!" Edward frowned in Nate's direction. So did Emmett.

"Is there a problem here?" Emmett's voice boomed over the music in the bar.

"No, just talking to my girl, Bella, here," Nate replied, not looking away from me. His girl? Aw, hell no! I took a deep breath, ready to give him a piece of my mind, when I was interrupted by another voice.

"Looks like Bella is done talking," Edward growled. Nate finally tore his eyes off me to look at the three arrivals to our table. He visibly gulped as he took in their unhappy faces. Emmett and Jasper thought of me as a little sister that needed their protection. I'm not sure what Edward thought of me, but all three of them were scowling at Nate.

"I'll see you later, Bella," Nate stuttered, not taking his eyes off my friends. He turned and scuttled away.

Edward came over to me immediately, his eyes glancing over me as if to assure himself that I was okay. "Sorry if I overstepped, Bella, but you did not look like you were enjoying his attention." His eyes were worried now, wondering if he had done the right thing.

"Thank you for coming to my rescue," I assured him, giving him a wink to try to lighten the mood. "I could have defended myself, mind you, but how can I deny my three saviors the chance to run off a creep?"

"I'm sure this happens all the time, having to chase men away with a stick," Edward said slyly. Before I could open my mouth to reply, Alice jumped into the conversation.

"More often than you'd think actually. Just another of Bella's discarded lovers." I cringed when I heard the word _lovers_ come out of her mouth.

"Just another one and done, eh Bella?" asked Jasper, wiggling his eyebrows at me. Alice must be contagious if Jasper now also had this affliction of out of control eyebrows. Maybe someone should alert the CDC. I raised an eyebrow back and gave him a scathing look. Edward, on the other hand, looked down right confused. I sighed heavily. This was going to be embarrassing. Even though I'd shouted to the bar last night about how I liked sex, this was not a conversation that I wanted to have in front of Edward.

"One and done?" Edward asked. I opened my mouth to reply, but was once again interrupted.

"Oh yes, it's Bella's policy when it comes to men. She sleeps with them once and then she's done with them. One and done," Alice said cheekily. I glared at her while studiously avoiding looking at Edward.

"Can we please stop calling it that? I just don't date, end of story," I snarled at her, still not looking at Edward.

"One and done? I like that. I was playing around with bang and run, but it didn't rhyme. So I was thinking fuck and duck, but yours is much less crass," Rose pondered aloud. I buried my head in my hands. I was officially going to die of embarrassment. I took a deep breath and told myself to suck it up. I raised my head high and looked at them

"Screw both of you. Now if you're done, I would like to get back to having a good time." I peaked a glance at Edward to gage his reaction, but his face was strangely passive. I looked away. "Who's up for darts?"

"I'm in," rumbled Emmett.

The rest of the evening went surprisingly well. We played darts, consumed large quantities of alcohol, laughed at some of Emmett's ridiculous stories, and generally enjoyed each others' company. I was quiet for the most part, just enjoying the presence of my friends, but I added to the conversation at appropriate points and didn't embarrass myself any further.

At the end of the night, all six of us walked back to our apartment. Emmett and Jasper were sleeping with their girlfriends, and Edward was going to crash on the couch. The couples headed to their respective rooms, and I went to the hall closet to get a spare pillow and blanket for Edward. I stumbled a bit and giggled as I walked back to the living room. Definitely a little tipsy. I tried to focus my eyes on Edward and struggled a bit. Hmm, scratch that, maybe a little drunk.

Edward was sitting on the couch, swaying a bit, and I'd bet that he was a little drunk as well. "Here you go," I said softly, setting the bedding on the couch. He looked up at me as if he just realized I was back in the room.

"Thanks," he replied. I stood awkwardly, not sure if I should sit or go to bed. Edward made the decision for me. Grabbing my arm, he pulled me down next to him. "Sit," he commanded. There was another deafening silence between us. Alcohol blurring my mind, I wasn't sure exactly how long it went on. "I had fun tonight," murmured Edward.

"Me, too."

"So, you don't date?" he whispered, as if it was a secret.

"No," I responded just as softly.

"That's too bad." He paused, looking at me with those beautiful green eyes. "Bella?" Another pause. He looked like he was searching for the words to say. After a few moments, I took pity on him.

"G'night, Edward."

"Night, Bella." Without looking back, I stood up and walked resolutely to my room. I only tripped once.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

"_G'night, Edward."_

"_Night, Bella." Without looking back, I stood up and walked resolutely to my room. I only tripped once._

Chapter 5

The next morning dawned bright, but definitely not early. It was almost the crack of noon before I rolled out of bed. From the silence that greeted me, I would guess everyone else was making a late start to the day as well. I walked softly down the hallway, to the living room. There, still asleep on the couch, was Edward. His face was very relaxed as he slept, and as I peaked at him, he let out a cute little snort before turning on his side.

As I continued on to the kitchen, I found myself thinking about Edward. I thought about his smile, the deep green of his eyes, the way he came to my defense last night only an hour or two after meeting me, and how sexy he looked as he fervently he talked about psychology. That pulled me up short. If I got involved with Edward, it was inevitable that he would notice how screwed up I was and then I'd lose him forever, just like… I withdrew from that line of thought abruptly and mentally scoffed at myself. Lose him forever? I had just met the guy for crying out loud! There was no way I should be feeling any sort of attachment to him other than the friendly type. Plus, I don't do attachments! Attachments led to caring and feeling something. Attachments led to needing someone in your life. Attachments led to the crushing feeling of abandonment because, let's face it, everyone leaves. Intentionally or unintentionally, everyone leaves. Melancholy and pain froze me in place until a grunt from the living room broke me from my thoughts.

While I started the coffee pot, I made a decision. Edward was going firmly in the acquaintance/friend corner of my life. I would see him often enough if he was going to continue hanging out with Emmett so I knew I couldn't ignore him. I had to treat him cordially, but the lingering stares and lustful thoughts were going to stop this moment. My brain was a place I was familiar with after years of repressed thoughts and feelings. So, now I tucked away my attraction for Edward, pushing it down with the other feelings I didn't want to feel and locking it away.

The decision made me feel heavier, but resolved. It was for the best.

As the coffee finished brewing, I heard more sounds of life coming from the living room. Moments later, a rumpled and sleepy-eyed Edward wandered in. "I smelled coffee," he murmured drowsily. I pointed to the mugs and the coffee pot from my position at the table and continued to sip my steaming beverage. He pulled up a chair across from me, and we sat in companionable silence as we became more alert with each passing sip. Edward was the first to break the silence. "You have fun last night?"

"I did. We always have a good time when they drag me out." A moment of silence filled the room.

"What are you up to today?"

"I have some pages to read for American Lit, and I want to get started on a paper for my philosophy class. Then, I'm working the evening shift at the diner down the street."

"Sounds like a busy day." He gave me a small smile. I smiled back.

We both turned as two more people entered the room. Jasper and Alice both looked worse for the wear, Alice especially. I took a small amount of vindictive pleasure in that because I was still a little pissed at her for embarrassing me last night. "Morning," I said, speaking slightly louder than absolutely necessary.

Holding her head, Alice muttered, "Stop shouting."

"What's wrong, Al? Not feeling well?" I arranged my features to show innocent concern. From the way she scowled at me, I don't think she bought it. She hobbled over and filled herself a cup of coffee. I quirked an eyebrow at her. "You sure, Al? You know how you get when you've had too much caffeine."

She flipped me the bird as I giggled at her. "These are desperate times, my friend. Desperate times."

Finally taking pity on Alice, I got up and rummaged around the fridge. When I emerged, I had a package of bacon and a dozen eggs. I snagged a loaf of bread off the top of the fridge and got to work. Soon, the smell of bacon filled our tiny kitchen and roused the last of our sleeping comrades. Emmett, for one, looked absolutely famished. "Everyone okay with scrambled?" I queried. There was a murmur of assent from the masses, so I got to work cracking eggs into a large bowl.

"Can I give you a hand? I happen to be a champion egg beater," Edward offered, giving me a small smile and coming to stand beside me in front of the counter.

"Well, who could say no to a champion beater?" I smiled suggestively back. A slight tinge of color came to Edward's cheeks, and my smile grew wider. I turned back to the bacon and turned on the heat under the second pan I had gotten out for the eggs. Edward cracked the remaining eggs and then started scrambling them with a whisk. I finished the bacon and started on the toast. Edward poured in the eggs and kept an eye on them while they cooked. We worked in tandem and breakfast was ready quickly.

"Order up!" I yelled, smiling. My joke was obviously not as amusing to some as I was met with several loud moans from the table. Everyone filled a plate. The kitchen was filled with appreciative noises and the scraping of silverware against dishes.

Once everyone had eaten their fill, Alice, Jasper, Rose, and Emmett wandered back down the hall to the bedrooms. I walked to the sink and started filling it with water for the pans. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I turned around to clear the table and crashed head long into Edward. He grasped my biceps to steady me. "Whoa there. The one who cooked shouldn't clean," he protested.

"I really don't mind," I responded. "I like to stay busy."

"Well, then, I'm helping."

"You really don't need to do that! You're our guest," I protested. He simply stood there looking at me until I sighed, and he knew the battle had been won.

"Put me to work," he commanded.

"Okay, you handle the hand washing while I load the dishwasher. Then, I'll come over and start helping with the rinsing."

Grabbing my iPod from where I'd left it on the kitchen table, I plugged it in to the speakers and put it on shuffle. Edward and I worked quietly, listening to the music, and working our way through the mess of dishes the six of us had created. See, I could do this, I thought to myself. I could be friends with Edward.

"I love this song," Edward called to me as I was swaying to the beat.

"Me, too," I said, continuing to move to the rhythm of the song. This led to a discussion about the best classic bands, the best new bands, and before we knew it, the kitchen was spotless. Emmett had appeared again, ready to hit the road, so Edward gathered up his things.

I bid them goodbye and closed the door behind them. See, I could totally be friends with Edward. Just friends.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

_I bid them goodbye and closed the door behind them. See, I could totally be friends with Edward. Just friends._

* * *

Chapter 6

Saturday and Sunday flew by, filled with reading assignments, papers and working at the diner. I pulled a double shift on Sunday because the owner, Esme, had someone call in sick. I was happy to cover. It kept me busy and my mind from wandering.

Monday came around, and things were the same routine as usual. Tuesday and Wednesday were no different. I went to class, studied in the library, had lunch with Rose, worked at the diner, watched trashy television with Alice, and did my school work. It wasn't until Thursday that I was thrown a curve ball.

I was rushing out the door, late for Philosophy, when Alice called after me. "Pizza at Em's tonight!"

"Sure thing!" I called back. I was out the door a moment later, popping in my earbuds and turning on some music for my walk. I was focusing on the lyrics when Alice's pseudo-invitation filtered back to me. Was Edward going to be there? It was his place too after all. Maybe he wouldn't be there. Maybe he had his own friends and would be out for the evening. Maybe I wouldn't have to worry all evening if his psychology super powers were laying me bare in front of him.

I sighed, slightly exasperated with myself. I'm sure he had other friends to hang out with. He was obviously a nice, outgoing, attractive man. He probably even had a date. By the time I had reached Philosophy, I had convinced myself that there was no way that he would possibly be there.

I waffled throughout the day between conviction that he had better things to do and panic that he wouldn't. I wrote a poem in the library instead of reading my novel for class. There was some pretty vivid imagery of walls closing in and engulfing, all-encompassing fear that summed up my feelings rather nicely. It felt a little better to let a bit of my emotion out on paper as it always did. It was a little like taking a shard of my broken soul and putting it in a jar on the shelf. The pain, hurt, discomfort, and anxiety I felt were still there, but slightly removed. I was able to realize that I was probably being a tad irrational.

Due to this slight removal, I was able to greet Emmett and Edward as I walked into their apartment instead of curling up in the fetal position or running away. I would not over think this. Just a couple of friends hanging out.

"Hey guys!" I called, heading to the kitchen to put the 6 pack in the fridge.

"Hey kid!"

"Hey Bella!"

"You mind if I use your bedroom to change, Em?" I hollered as I headed down the hall towards the Emmett's bedroom. "I came straight from the diner. I want to put on some clothes that don't smell like something deep fried."

"Sure thing," he called back.

I pulled the clothes from my bag and changed quickly. Before heading to the living room, I grabbed the takeout menu off the fridge. Then, I headed in and plopped down on the couch while looking at the pizza place's options. When I looked up, I realized that I had plunked down right next to Edward. He was looking curiously over my shoulder. "What's good?" he inquired. I opened my mouth to answer, but was interrupted by Emmett. Hmm, this was becoming a theme when I was talking to Edward. However, I was slightly stunned from being so close to him so suddenly that I'm not sure anything would have come out anyway.

"Everything! I've eaten just about everything on their menu and it's all good. They used to have a meat lover's dream pizza, but they got rid of it. Dude, I almost cried that day." Emmett had a faraway look in his eye, and I was watching for drool as he daydreamed about the monstrous pizza.

I nudged Edward's shoulder as I shook my head and mouthed _not almost_. Then I mimed sobbing into my hands. Edward laughed out loud, alerting Emmett to my mockery.

"Hey! I did not cry!" He reached towards me, trying to ruffle my hair which he knew I hated. Out of self-preservation, I dove into Edward's side for protection.

"Not the hair, you big dork! And there was crying! Actual, wet tears!" I giggled, and I felt the vibrations of Edward laughing beside me. Emmett finally sat back in his chair and I discreetly scooted a more friendly distance away from Edward. Luckily, the laughter had done wonders on my nerves, and I was feeling much better about the evening.

"Where is everybody?" I wondered aloud.

"Rose forgot about a paper that is due tomorrow, so she's going to stay home and finish it. Alice and Jasper should be here soon though. Alice called to say she was stopping by his place, and they were coming over together."

No sooner than he had finished explaining, my phone chimed from my bag. I grabbed it and noticed it was a message from Alice.

_Alice: Not going to make it to Em's._

"That's Al. She said they're not going to make it." I sent her a quick text asking why not.

_Alice: No roommates. Sex on the kitchen table._

_Bella: Less comfortable than you'd think. Don't forget to sanitize after._

"She's ditching us to have sex with Jasper."

"Way to go Jazz! But eww, Bella, my little cousin should not be talking about sex." Emmett looked quite put out.

"I'm only a year younger than you jerk! Also, I'm the same age as Rose which I know you have no trouble talking to about sex. Based on what you were shouting the other night across the hall…" I trailed off and appreciated the effect of my words. Emmett was blushing and speechless, a rare sight to behold. My work here is done. I turned to Edward, who was blushing a little himself. "So Edward, how was your week?"

"It was good. Busy though. Some of these new classes are kicking my ass. There's so much heavy reading. I fell asleep reading about Skinner's theories of operant conditioning last night. My brain can only take so much!"

We chatted about our weeks for a while until Emmett's stomach growled loudly. After ordering pizza, Edward and I overruled Emmett on the choice of TV. We fist bumped in victory and turned on CSI. Sure the lines were cheesy and most of the science was over dramatized, but I liked it. The rest of the evening was a comfortable array of TV, conversation, and cheesy pizza.

As the night ended, I was vehemently overruled by Emmett and Edward when I insisted that I was fine to walk home to my apartment. According to Emmett, I was a magnet for "thugs and rapists" and that I would walk home alone over his dead body. Since I didn't want to inconvenience either of them by making them walk me home, I decided to crash on the couch. Both gentlemen insisted that I could take their beds, but I told them I'd be fine. Emmett's was a perfunctory offer with very little drive behind it. Edward was a little more insistent. He finally let it drop when I pointed out my short stature meant that I would actually fit on the couch whereas his long legs would be hanging off uncomfortably all night. Both men wished me good night and went to their rooms.

I lay there for a moment and thought about what a good night I'd had. It had been a long day and I drifted off quickly, a small smile on my face, blissfully thought free.

* * *

AN: Confession time. This is my first foray into writing fan-fiction. Before, I kind of scoffed a little at writer's who would bribe, beg, and threaten to get reviews. I mean, we write because we love writing! However, this morning when I was reading all my emails from fan-fiction, I finally got it. Reviews are like a drug, and there is definitely a high when you read feedback and reactions to your writing.

On that note, I'll just say this: reviews make me smile. :)


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

_I lay there for a moment and thought about what a good night I'd had. It had been a long day and I drifted off quickly, a small smile on my face, blissfully thought free._

* * *

Chapter 7

The next morning, I awoke to the smell of coffee in the air and the feeling of crusty drool on my cheek. Gross. I rubbed my eyes and squinted, trying to get used to the bright light that was streaming into the room. I groaned as I stretched my stiff muscles, freezing when I realized I was on a couch. And not my couch. It took a moment for the previous night to come back to my groggy brain. Emmett, Edward, pizza, protective brutes not letting me walk home...

I realized that my eyes had drifted closed again and that I was slipping back into dreamland. I heard the shuffle of footsteps coming into the room. I moaned and threw my arm up to cover my eyes. If it was Emmett, his boisterous voice was way too loud for the pre-coffee hours of the morning. If it was Edward, well, I wasn't sure what I'd do.

The feet paused next to the coffee table that stood in front of the couch where I lay. The smell of coffee was stronger, and I chanced a peak around my arm. An adorable and mouthwatering sight met my eyes. There was Edward in plaid flannel sleep pants and a plain white t-shirt. That, however, was not the mouthwatering part. In his hands were two cups of coffee. I moved my arm completely.

"For me?" I asked meekly, my voice still rough with sleep. He nodded, and I struggled to sit up so that I could receive the cup from him. When I was fully upright, he handed it over and took a seat on the chair next to the couch. I took a sip and may have moaned loudly. I peaked at Edward, and he was smirking at me. Yep, definitely moaned.

We sat in companionable silence as we drank our coffee. When my brain was alert enough to make some observations, I noticed that it was very quiet in the apartment. Too quiet. "Where's Emmett?"

"He went to the gym for a workout before class. Something about 'all this sexiness' not coming naturally. I'm not quite sure. I was still asleep when he barged into my room this morning talking really loudly." We laughed together at Emmett's expense. "You hungry? I could make breakfast." There was a hopeful look on his face.

Not wanting to completely wipe that look off his face, I replied carefully, "Maybe something light? Toast or cereal."

"We have bagels and cream cheese or some Cinnamon Toast Crunch."

"Bagels would be great."

* * *

"Al, I'm home!"

"Hey! How was the diner?" came a reply from the kitchen. I chucked off my shoes leaving them laying haphazardly by the door. I threw my keys on the side table and dropped my book bag on the floor next to it.

"Busy actually. I think Esme's advertising is paying off. Did you see the flyers she put up in Java?" Java was the coffee house on campus. It was actually located on the ground floor of the library. Study and get your caffeine fix, the two for one Java special.

"Is she really only charging $4.99 for the dinner specials?" Alice asked as I walked into the kitchen.

"Yep, you get your choice of meatloaf and mashed potatoes, a burger and fries, or a tuna melt for just five bucks. Just like mom used to make them. Plus a side of grease." I grinned at her tiredly and she grinned back. I ragged on the place, but really that greasy spoon was a great place to work. Esme was a great boss, and the tips were steady despite being so close to a school filled with broke college kids. I stifled a yawn. "I'm beat. What are you up to tonight?"

"We," she said emphatically, "are hosting a movie night. Everyone is coming over in a while."

I groaned, but caved almost immediately. At least she wasn't dragging me out to a bar. My father always said I grew more middle aged every year. I shook off that thought and focused on Alice. "Fine, but I get to pick the movies. No way are we watching _Karate Kid_ again! I don't care if Em says it's a classic."

Alice just laughed at me as I strolled towards the living room and our collective DVD collection. "Pick a genre," I yelled back over my shoulder. I could hear her humming to herself as she decided.

"Action."

"Action it is." My eyes skimmed over my options. Ahh, perfect. "You up for our favorite rugged professor of archeology?" Alice squealed in agreement from the kitchen. We both had a school girl crush on Indiana Jones, even if Harrison Ford was old enough to be our fathers. He's classic.

"Do you need any help getting ready?" I asked.

"No, I'm good. Rose is going to pick up some more things to nibble on at the store. I'll pop popcorn later."

"Okay, well I'm going to go work on homework. Holler if you need anything."

* * *

A while later, I heard the front door slam and Emmett's voice boom out a greeting. I put a bookmark in my book and glanced down at what I was wearing. I doubted that Alice would approve of my baggy t-shirt and yoga pants even if it was just our friends coming over for a movie night like we'd done a hundred times before. Of course, there was a possibility that Edward would be coming over too.

I changed into a comfortable pair of jeans and a fitted white t-shirt. Hopefully, it would appease Alice a little. With one last glance in the mirror, I headed out to the living room.

Everyone had arrived. Emmett, Jasper, and Edward were sitting in the living room talking and drinking beer. I assumed Rose and Alice were doing something in the kitchen.

"Hey boys." I received a chorus of hellos back as I headed to the kitchen to see if Alice and Rose needed any help. I felt eyes following me so I glanced back. My eyes locked with Edward's and he just grinned wider at me. I felt blush rising up my cheeks, so I turned away and scuttled into the kitchen.

"Hey Al? You need any help?" I froze as I took in the scene before me. Tall, blonde Rose had her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. Her scowl was directed towards Alice who even with her diminutive stature was a force to be reckoned with. She was gazing ferociously back at Rose, her arms folded against her chest. "Uh, guys?"

There were ten tense seconds where nothing changed and no one conceded. I just stared at them staring at each other. I didn't even know what to do because this had never happened before. Sure, Rose and Alice argued, but about trivial stuff with playful banter back and forth. Never had I seen this angry tension before. Luckily, the decision was taken out of my hands. Both women started to thaw marginally, and finally, Alice glanced at me, breaking the heated staring contest.

"Bella, will you bring the chips out to the guys and set up the first movie?" Alice's voice was lacking its usual energy and natural brightness. I scurried to complete my task, anxious to get out of the kitchen. This is turning into a strange night. Hopefully things would get better.

* * *

AN: So originally, this chapter went in a much different direction. However, after pondering the course of the story, I realized that Bella was getting ahead of herself and wasn't quite ready for the events that were unfolding. She needs to develop things with Edward a little more before she's ready for that. So good news is that I have 2 future chapters done and waiting. Bad news is that Bella's not quite prepared for a cathartic revelation so you'll have to wait a little longer to find out why Bella is the way she is.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

_I scurried to complete my task, anxious to get out of the kitchen. This is turning into a strange night. Hopefully things would get better._

* * *

Chapter 8

Our living room was crammed with mismatched furniture. We had started with a big squishy blue couch that you sank into when you sat on it. We inherited this couch from Rose's parents when they redecorated. It was the kind of couch that you never wanted to get up from. The tan arm chair came next. Alice found it at a garage sale when she was walking back from class one day. She called me, and together, we carried that damn thing three quarters of a mile. At one point, we set it down and just collapsed into it. Several passing cars honked their horns at the bizarre sight. That was all we had for a while until Emmett and Jasper became permanent additions to our gatherings. Emmett took up half of the couch by himself, and I was tired of sitting on the floor, so when we stumbled upon the green loveseat, I bought it without hesitation. It was comfortable and worn. In other words, perfect college furnishings.

It was on the green love seat that I settled when I came back into the living room. I set the chips on our coffee table, put _Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Arc _into the DVD player, and then snuggled down into the cushions of my favorite piece of furniture. I tucked my legs under me and I grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch. The tension between Alice and Rose had thrown me off, so I sat quietly while the guys chatted about the upcoming baseball season. Not that I had anything to contribute anyway.

When Alice and Rose came in several minutes later with the remaining munchies, they seemed to have reached some kind of truce. To the casual observer, nothing appeared to be wrong. To me, I could tell there was still some tension in Rose's shoulders and Alice's normal smile was slightly forced.

The arrival of Alice and Rose caused a slight upheaval in the seating arrangements. Alice joined Jasper on the arm chair, snuggling into his side. Edward, who was sitting on the couch with Emmett volunteered to move so that Rose could sit next to her boyfriend. Of course, that meant the only seat left for him was next to me on the loveseat.

When he sat down next to me, there were merely inches between us. I felt a little anxious sitting so close to Edward, even though there was nothing to be anxious about. I'd sat here with Jasper, Emmett, Rose, Alice, and a variety of other acquaintances who had happened upon a party or movie night. Never had my stomach twisted quite like this before. It must be residual effects from Alice and Rose's fight, I told myself. Must be.

"What are we watching?" asked the man beside me in a low voice. As I glanced around, looking anywhere but at him, I noticed the couples were cuddling and talking quietly to each other. If I kept looking at them, I was going to get even more uncomfortable.

I glanced up at him, and told myself to stop being stupid. I had several good conversations with Edward and none of them were scary. "Only a cinematic classic. A thrilling, action adventure about a daring young professor that moonlights as a procurer of rare antiquities." I grinned shyly at him.

"So Indiana Jones?" He was smiling back, and he had a really nice smile.

"Yep! Alice and I have a crush on Harrison Ford," I said in a deliberately loud whisper, like it was a secret. That got Alice's attention and thankfully broke the bubbles that had been isolating the couples.

"Hell yeah we do!" Alice said enthusiastically. She jumped up from Jasper's lap and flitted over to the light switch. "Let's get this show on the road! I want to ogle Indie!" She flipped off the lights, plunging the room into semi-darkness. "Play that shit, Bell!" I was glad Alice seemed to be feeling better. However, her and Rose were still not making eye contact with each other. It made me wonder what was big enough for her and Rose to fight over.

"I'm on it, Al." I turned on the TV and hit play on the cued up movie. Familiar music filled the room, and I finally relaxed in my seat. However, when I relaxed, my body closed the scant space that separated me and Edward, and suddenly the tension was back. I glanced over at him covertly. He seemed completely unperturbed by the contact of our bodies. I gave myself another talking to about being stupid and tried to relax and enjoy the movie.

Half an hour later, I was really into the movie. I was still vividly aware of every inch of my body that was touching Edward, but it had taken a back burner to Harrison Ford with his hat and whip. I was disturbed from my viewing by a chuckle from beside me. I glanced over and he was smiling at me. "What?" I whispered.

"Do you realize you're saying the lines out loud?" he asked in a similar hushed tone. My jaw dropped because I certainly had not been consciously saying them out loud. "Don't worry, it's cute. Especially when you do the gruff voice of Harrison Ford." He was teasing me now.

"I'll have you know that voice is spot on." Two could play this game.

"Whatever you say." Edward turned back to the movie. I followed his example. Not ten minutes later, I heard another chuckle. This time I realized I was doing it, but I couldn't stop myself. It was almost like a nervous tick. I just had to say the lines of the movie.

"I can't help it!" I exclaimed softly. Then, he surprised me by quoting the next line of the movie in a gravelly voice like mine. I giggled at him.

We spent the rest of the movie that way, laughing and quoting lines of the movie to each other. It was fun, more fun than I'd had in quite a while. Alice glared at us a couple times; she took her Indiana Jones very seriously. Rose and Emmett didn't care because they were making out on the couch.

When the movie was over, Alice popped up again and turned on the lights. The sudden brightness made me squint and cover my eyes. It did have the benefit of rousing Emmett and Rose from their snog-fest. Neither one had the decency to look embarrassed.

I glanced over at Edward, and he grinned at me. I couldn't help but grin back.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

_I glanced over at Edward, and he grinned at me. I couldn't help but grin back._

* * *

Chapter 9

Chirp. Chirp.

What the hell was that? It was Wednesday, and I was in the library after Creative Writing. It was very quiet in the section I was sitting. I looked around, annoyed at whoever had forgot to silence their cell phone.

Chirp. Chirp.

Oh, crap. That was coming from my bag. Alice had been messing with my phone the other day, and she must have changed my ringtone. I looked sheepishly around at the other occupants of the section. A particularly frazzled looking Organic Chem student glared daggers at me. I remember when that was Rose, and I shuddered at the memory. No one messed with Rose that semester unless they wanted their head unceremoniously removed from their shoulders.

I sighed a little as I thought of Rose because that made me think of Rose and Alice. Both were acting cool and polite to one another. Neither of them were ever polite! I tried asking them about it and received the brush off.

I dug through my bag and pulled out my phone, silencing the ringer. Then, I looked down at the screen.

_(727)555-2222: You want to grab a cup of coffee?_

There was no name attached to the text. I looked at the number, but it didn't ring any bells. I also don't usually give my number out to guys, especially after Mike the Crier.

_Bella: Who is this?_

_(727)555-2222: Edward_

I inhaled sharply at that. Edward had my number? Edward was asking me out to coffee? Even though they were statements, they still sounded like questions in my head. I could almost hear the squeaky tone of my internal monologue.

_(727)555-2222: So, coffee?_

_Bella: I'm studying in the library right now._

I was being intentionally non-committal with my reply. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about having coffee with Edward. Would he think it was a date? I didn't see how he could because he knew that I don't date.

_(727)555-2222: That's convenient because I'm headed to Java._

I stared at my phone for a moment and then typed my reply.

_Bella: Meet you there._

Armed with the knowledge that Edward was forewarned and obviously not here with romantic intentions, I gathered up my books and notebooks and headed down to Java.

I was coming down the stairs when Edward walked in, rubbing his hands together, and bringing a gust of cold air with him. He was wearing a dark colored jacket and a woolen scarf. The weather had taken a nasty turn this week. While the last several weeks had been teasing previews of the spring to come, this week was letting us know that winter was not quite done yet.

He glanced around until his eyes met mine, and his face broke into a wide smile. His grin was infectious, and I couldn't help but smile back. "Hey there," I said when I got closer.

"Hey yourself." We turned together and walked into Java.

"Has it warmed up at all?" I asked as we got in line for coffee.

"No, it's still f-ing freezing." I smirked at his comment, wondering about it. Did Edward not like to swear? No, I'd heard him swear when he was talking to Emmett. Maybe didn't want to swear in front of a woman. Was he really that much of a gentleman? I tucked that tidbit away to ponder later.

When we got to the counter, I ordered my large fat-free latte with peppermint syrup. I was rummaging in my backpack for my wallet when Edward ordered a large black coffee and whipped out his wallet. "My treat," he told me. I opened my mouth to argue with him, but he held up his hand. "If it means that much to you, you can buy next time."

"Fine," I grumbled and moved down the counter to wait for my coffee. Wait, next time? Out of the corner of my eye, I could have sworn Edward was smirking, but when I turned to look at him head on, his face was passive. Once we had our coffees, we settled at a table by the window that overlooked the quad. For a minute, we simply looked out, watching the people scurry quickly to their destinations, desperate to get out of the cold.

I turned back to him to find him already looking at me, somewhat intently. He seemed to be trying to solve a problem without an easy answer. I wondered what that was all about.

"So, you have my number." It was a statement, not a question. He at least had the decency to look sheepish.

He rubbed the back of his head as he responded. "I asked Emmett for it. I hope that's okay. I was going to ask for it Friday, but you kinda passed out during the last movie."

Now, it was my turn to look sheepish. I had been tired from class and working at the diner. During _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_, I had passed out. I awoke with my feet on Edward's lap. He was rubbing them lightly as the credits rolled. Emmett and Rose had left before we started _Temple of Doom_, but now Alice and Jasper were gone as well. I had groggily mumbled good night to Edward, never fully waking, and crawled into bed. He slept on the couch once again.

"Sorry about that," I mumbled, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"No problem," he replied with a grin. "Girls pass out on me all the time."

"I highly doubt that. But, really, sorry. I was a terrible host."

"That's okay. I got to put my stalker skills to good use. Track down your number and all." He had a smug smile on his face.

"Stalker skills? Pish. You had to ask Emmett. Who you live with. Not exactly rocket science."

"Are you saying I don't have stalker skills? I'll have you know, I could be a fantastic stalker."

This conversation had devolved quickly, and I burst out laughing. Edward joined in.

"I give. You would be a phenomenal stalker."

"Damn straight."

"So what were you doing venturing out on such an awful day?"

"I left one of my text books in the Psych office. I needed it for a paper I'm writing."

"And you just assumed I would be here?"

"You mentioned you like to come to the library between classes. I took a shot."

"I don't think I've ever seen you here before." I would remember if I had seen him here before. Edward's was not a face you forget.

"Well, before, I lived too far from campus to really come on a whim. I did most of my work at my apartment. But now, the new place is so close to campus," he trailed off and shrugged.

"It's nice to be so close. And since I don't have a car, I walk everywhere."

"Wow, I don't think I'd be able to survive without my car."

"Yeah, I had an old truck in high school, but after it broke down, I didn't really need one." I shrugged. "I suppose I'll get a new one eventually, but for now, I just bum rides off Em or Alice."

"How do you get home? For the holidays and break and stuff."

It was an innocent enough question. It wasn't the first time I had gotten questions about home, so I sidestepped it with practiced ease and hoped that he didn't push it. Telling people that you didn't have a home to return to was a conversation killer. "I usually just stick around here during breaks. Emmett doesn't usually go home either because it's so far, so we hang out." Something about my face must have told Edward not to push because he let the subject drop.

We moved on to other more benign, but interesting things. I learned that his last name was Masen. He was originally from Chicago, and his parents, Elizabeth and Edward Sr., still lived there in his childhood home. He was an only child. In addition to loving crime shows and the Chicago Cubs, he played the piano, something his mother insisted upon. He hadn't played regularly in years, however, and was pretty rusty.

We continued to talk even after our coffee was gone. It was comfortable. Edward seemed to instinctively know that there were subjects he needed to steer clear of. I wondered if Emmett had said something to him. I doubted it. Emmett knew what a private person I was. He even asked permission to tell Rose after they started dating. Maybe Edward was just intuitive. The psychologist thing briefly crossed my mind, but he didn't seem like a psychologist. He seemed like a friend.

When I noticed the time, I realized that I needed to be getting home. We stood and walked to the door. "I owe you a cup of coffee," I told him. "Let me know when you want to cash in." He smiled at that.

"I will. Don't worry."

We bundled up and headed out into the cold. With my hood up and the wind blowing around us, there wasn't much chance for conversation. When we reached the place where our paths diverged, I waved at him, and he waved back. The warmth of his smile and our easy conversation took me all the way back to our apartment. I hardly noticed the cold.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

_The warmth of his smile and our easy conversation took me all the way back to our apartment. I hardly noticed the cold._

* * *

Chapter 10

Two days later, on Friday, Edward and I had coffee again during my break between American Lit and Creative Writing. I insisted on paying this time, and he grudgingly allowed me. I laughed at him because he was actually pouting as I handed over the bills to pay for our drinks. He laughed with me good naturedly.

We talked more about our time at college this time, sharing some more memorable stories that peppered our time here. Apparently, once drunk and on a dare, Edward streaked through the quad in only his running shoes. Unfortunately, he ran into the dean of the college, a matronly woman who always wore long skirts and shirts buttoned up to her chin. The way Edward told it, she got so flustered looking him up and down, focusing on a specific part of his anatomy that he tried desperately to cover with his hands, that she just stood there stammering. He mumbled out an apology and ran quickly back to his friends who were holding his clothes.

I laughed so hard that my sides hurt. He was such a great story teller. He got really animated, and his hands gestured this way and that. It was enthralling to watch. I was almost late to Creative Writing because we lost track of the time.

* * *

That evening, as Alice and I waited for the bouncer to check our IDs at the Grill, I wondered if Edward would be coming tonight with Emmett. I didn't have to wait long to find out. There, standing with the rest of my friends around one of the high tops, was Edward. He looked good in a charcoal grey button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He was wearing dark colored blue jeans that looked like they were made especially for him. My stomach did a flip flop as I tried not to stare.

"Hey guys!" Alice chirped brightly.

"Hi everybody," I greeted. We received the customary acknowledgements from everyone and a sunny smile from Edward. I tried not to think about what that meant.

Rose immediately pulled me into a conversation about something her crazy philosophy professor had done today, and I did my best to pay attention to her fully. Friends didn't obsess about other friends. I was friends with Edward. I would not obsess about what he was doing or saying. I would treat him like everyone else.

"Ooh! I love this song! Let's dance!" With a strength unnatural for such a tiny girl, Alice pulled me and Rose out onto the dance floor. Apparently a really good song was enough to break the divide that currently separated Alice and Rose. They still weren't back to normal, but it was a start. I laughed with my friends and relaxed for the first time since I walked in. I threw my hands up in the air and twisted my body to the rhythm of the music. I didn't look as sexy as Rose or Alice, but I was confident. I moved my hips and ran my fingers through my hair.

After a couple songs, several men had taken notice and started circling our trio, trying to get up the nerve to come dance with us. Emmett and Jasper must have noticed too because they appeared the next moment to claim their women.

I felt a body come up behind mine and a hand come to my hip. "Can I have this dance?" Edward's quiet voice filled my ear. I gulped and nodded my head, not trusting myself to speak. He kept his hand on my hip and moved his body closer to mine. We started moving to the rhythm of the song. I tried desperately not to get lost in the way his body felt against mine. I tried not to compare it to the way I felt when I danced with my one night stands and failed miserably. With the other guys, it had been just about how they made my body feel. It had been about the increase of my heart beat, the heat pooling in my belly, and the anticipation of what might come next. It was different with Edward. The difference was I knew him. I knew the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed, the way he talked lovingly about his parents, the way he spoke passionately about things that were important to him. With Edward, my body's reaction seemed to increase ten-fold. It wasn't just about lust, although there was plenty of that.

I felt Edward's hands on my hips caressing the skin that peaked out when I raised my arms up. Then, his hands were encouraging me to turn around and suddenly, I was facing him. Looking into his eyes was intense as we moved to the thumping beat of the song. I couldn't decipher his expression, but it was so open and vulnerable that it made me want to look away. As the song ended, we stopped moving and just stood there staring at each other as the next song came on. Panic started to fill me. What was happening between us? I couldn't handle this.

I was ready to bolt when Edward's hand clamped down on my arm. It wasn't uncomfortable, just firm. I wasn't getting away from him easily. "Come on, let's get a drink," Edward said loudly so I could hear him over the music. I let him lead me to the bar. We took a seat on two bar stools, and Edward signaled the bar tender for two beers. We sat quietly until our beers arrived. When they did, I took a long sip.

"So… you make it to Creative Writing on time?" Edward asked. His voiced lacked all of the tension that I felt. Could this really not be affecting him? I tried to act as normal as possible.

"Barely. I had to run through Old Main and I totally plowed into a freshman with an armful of books. I didn't even have time to stop and help her pick them up. I felt terrible just shouting an apology and running off."

"Poor thing. She's probably scarred for life. A big, bad junior comes and knocks her down and doesn't even stop?"

"Stop it, I feel bad enough as it is." I took another sip of my beer and peeked over at him. The corners of his mouth were turned up in that thoughtful smile I recognized from our conversations over coffee. I took a deep breath and tried to return to the comfortable place we had been in at Java that afternoon. "So you bump into the dean lately?"

He burst out laughing at that and suddenly, we were back to normal. We talked comfortably while our friends danced. We had a couple more beers before everyone decided to call it a night. When we parted ways, Edward, Emmett and Rose heading to their apartment and Alice, Jasper, and I heading to ours, I thought I caught a longing look as I hugged Edward good night. When I pulled away, he just had a friendly smile on his face, and I was sure that I was imagining things. I hugged Emmett and Rose, and we headed off in opposite directions.

"What's up Bell?" asked Alice as she was unlocking our door. I looked up, startled. I realized that I had been frowning in concentration.

"Nothing. Just thinking." She looked like she wanted to press for more information, but Jasper ushered her inside. As soon as we were in our apartment and the door locked behind us, Jasper said good night and led Alice down the hall to her bedroom. Jasper was always good about giving me space when I needed it. That was good because I wasn't prepared to share my thoughts right now. I wasn't sure what my thoughts were right now. One thing was clear though. They were all focused on Edward.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

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_One thing was clear though. They were all focused on Edward._

* * *

Chapter 11

_Edward: What's your favorite color?_

_Bella: Blue._

_Bella: No, green._

_Bella: I don't know. It depends on the day. Same question._

_Edward: Blue, definitely blue._

_Edward: Favorite place you've ever visited._

_Bella: Santa Barbara. The beaches are gorgeous. You?_

Edward had been texting me random questions all morning on Sunday. I was supposed to be writing a paper, but the _chirp, chirp_ of my phone kept dragging me away. I wasn't fighting the pull all that hard. He hadn't mentioned anything about Friday night and I had pretty much convinced myself that I had blown the situation at the bar out of proportion. I had the slightest little inkling in the back of my mind, but I was studiously ignoring it.

I was currently wondering what had brought this random texting binge on. I was also wondering where he was getting all these questions from. He seemed to be working from some sort of list. I wondered if he googles "Random Questions to Ask." It seemed probable at this point.

_Edward: London was pretty amazing._

_Bella: Really? I'm jealous. I've never been out of the country before. I'd love to go to Italy._

_Edward: Who was your favorite teacher?_

I shook my head at his seemingly random jump of topic.

_Bella: My third grade teacher, Mrs. Quist._

_Edward: Why?_

_Bella: I don't know, she was awesome. She dressed up like the evil witch from a book we read for Halloween. I wrote my first book in her class._

_Edward: Was that when you first started to like writing?_

_Bella: Yes._

_Edward: Who was your first celebrity crush?_

We went on like that for a while. Edward seemed to throw out whatever popped into his head. As long as I kept answering, he kept asking. Sometimes, one question led to several follow up questions as he delved a little deeper.

For me, the facelessness of texting made me less reserved and more forthright than I probably would have been in person. I wasn't sure what benefit it held for Edward.

Around lunch time, I headed for the kitchen to find something to eat. Alice was in there grabbing something as well.

She and I hadn't really talked much yesterday, but whenever I saw her, it seemed like she had something on the tip of her tongue to tell me. When she spoke, it never seemed like she had said what she was meaning to say. Since Alice was always forthright to a fault, I was at a loss for what could be holding her back. I had been racking my brain trying to think of another time that I had seen Alice so tongue tied, but nothing came to mind. I smiled at her as I got out fixings for macaroni and cheese.

_Chirp. Chirp._

"Yeah, thanks for changing my ring tone by the way," I teased.

"You're welcome. You needed a change. Your phone still had all the factory default settings on it!" She looked truly horrified by the fact that I had not taken the time to personalize the bells and whistles on my phone.

I laughed at her and checked my text message. It was another one from Edward. I smiled warmly without conscious effort.

"Who's that?" It was an innocent question.

"Just Edward." Apparently, Alice had been waiting for an opening, and I gave it to her.

"Oh really? I was meaning to talk to you about him," she paused dramatically. Just then, Rose walked into the kitchen.

"Hey ladies. What's up?" Rose asked as she headed to the fridge.

"Nothing, Alice was just going to talk to me about Edward for some reason. Al?" I looked at Alice who had gone wide eyed and seemed temporarily paralyzed by my statement. I frowned, confused by her actions. What was the big deal? I glanced back at Rose to see if she knew what was going on. Even more confusingly, Rose was glaring at Alice.

"Uh, guys? What's going on?" I was hoping someone would fill me in because I was moving from confused to irritated rather rapidly.

"It's nothing. Bella had just mentioned that Edward had texted her. I was just going to ask how it was going," Alice replied casually. Alice was perky. Alice was happy, exuberant, and dramatic. Alice was not casual.

Rose continued to glare in her direction, but Alice turned to me. "So how's it going? You guys text? He has your number?" Alice was still trying to act like it was no big deal. It made me cautious, like I was walking into some sort of trap. I was waiting for the figurative net to drop down on top of me.

"Yeah, we text sometimes. He got my number from Emmett so he could ask me to coffee." Alice got a strange gleam in her eye and I back pedaled quickly. "We're just friends." I said it in a tone that was firm and decisive. Now if only someone would tell the butterflies in my stomach. They went haywire every time my phone chirped today.

"That's nice," Alice commented. "So you guys had coffee?"

"Yep." There was really no need to tell her that we had _coffees_, plural. Then, I felt ridiculous. Why was I hiding my friendship with Edward from them? The more I considered it, the madder I felt. "Is that a problem?" I crossed my arms and frowned at her again.

"No, no," she said, holding her hands up in front of her in defense. "I think it's nice. In fact, I think it's…" I never got a chance to find out what Alice thought because she was interrupted.

"Alice!" Rose's voice was harsh and low. It was a warning. Alice's forehead scrunched up in irritation. "Alice, we talked about this."

Huh? What? What had they talked about?

"I know, Rose. I remember, believe me. But she's all smiley and texting him! I had to say something!"

"You promised me that you wouldn't meddle! You agreed!"

"No, you decided. I told you that I wanted to help!"

It was like they had forgotten I was in the room. Suddenly, everything became clear to me. Obviously, they were arguing about me, but it wasn't the first time. On movie night, they must have been quarreling about me then too.

They were arguing about me. About me and Edward. My brain felt like it was on a loop. I threaded my fingers through my hair and held my head for a few moments. Letting out a disgusted grunt, I lifted my head and looked at my roommates.

"This! This is what you two were fighting about!" I was talking loudly and both women snapped their heads away from each other to look at me. "I can't believe this!"

"Bella, I just wanted to help," Alice pleaded.

Rose spoke at the same time. "Bella, I was the one..."

I held up my hand. "This is none of your business." I held up my hand again as they both went to interrupt. "Maybe it would have been if you had talked to me about it, but you were both talking about me behind my back. You know how much I hate that crap." I looked at Rose pointedly when I said this. She had been looking at me like she was in my corner, but when I looked at her, she wilted. We had both dealt with bitchy, gossipy girls before, and when we had become roommates, we agreed that whatever we had to say would be to the other person, not about her.

Without looking back, I stormed off. Pausing in the living room, I made a decision. I grabbed my purse and my coat and headed out the door. Maybe some fresh air would help me clear my head.


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

_I grabbed my purse and my coat and headed out the door. Maybe some fresh air would help me clear my head._

* * *

Chapter 12

I was walking quickly, my feet pounding angrily on the pavement. Every few steps, I let out an irritated grunt or an exasperated breath. Every so often I'd switch it up with a pissed off growl. I scared quite a few birds and small creatures who were resting in the trees and bushes along the sidewalk.

Slowly, as I walked, the anger turned to feelings of hurt and betrayal. How could they do this to me? Part of me knew I was being dramatic. Part of me didn't care. Nothing is forever, I thought. Everybody leaves. Everybody hurts you eventually.

I was walking without thinking, too upset to pay attention to where my feet were leading me. I was shocked when I looked up to see Emmett and Edward's building ahead of me. I guess I had walked the path enough times to follow it on auto-pilot. I paused for a moment, unsure what to do, unsure of what I wanted. That wasn't true exactly. I knew what I wanted.

My pace had slowed now as I made my way up the stairs and down the hall to their apartment. I raised my hand and knocked on the door. I heard a shuffle of feet and the door swung open. Edward's face broke into a smile as he realized it was me, but quickly morphed into a frown when he took in the broken look on my face.

"Bella, what…" He trailed off, unsure of what question to ask.

Seeing him made me long for comfort, and without thinking about what I was doing, I hurled myself into his arms. His strong arms moved up and wrapped around me. As his warmth soaked into me, I felt something I hadn't felt in so long. I was safe; I was cared for. I held on to him like he was my lifeline, and without him, I would be lost forever.

For an immeasurable amount of time, we stood there, embracing like people who had known each other longer than a couple of weeks. Finally, embarrassment started to creep in. I was never this weak and emotional. At least, I never let it show on the outside.

I pulled back to look at Edward. His arms held me still, not letting me go far. He looked down at me, his eyes filled with concern and something else I couldn't identify. I took a breath to try to compose myself, but that turned out to be a mistake. I was surrounded by the smell of Edward, and in that moment, I lost full control of my faculties.

An instant later, my lips were pressed to his and the sensation was incredible. His lips were soft and smooth. I wondered if he used Chap Stick. Those thoughts did not stick around long because, abruptly, Edward was kissing me back. His lips moved against mine, caressing, begging. I sighed into him with contentment, and he took the opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth. With a moan, he pushed me backward until I was pressed up against the wall. We were pressed together from thigh to chest, and I could feel every inch of his muscular body where he held me, his willing captive.

He moaned again as his tongue stroked mine. One of his hands had come up to thread itself into my hair and his thumb was caressing my cheek. His other hand was resting hotly against my hip. I was lost in the sensation of him. I was drowning in Edward, completely enveloped by this man.

He moved his lips to my neck, and I thought I might pass out from the feeling. It spurred my hands into action, which, until now, had been hanging limply at my sides. I ran my fingers up my chest and moaned when he found a particularly sensitive spot. Suddenly, Edward froze. As quickly as this started, it was over. Edward pushed himself off the wall and backed away until his back was pressed against the opposite wall of the foyer. His eyes were wide, mine confused, and we were both breathing heavily. The door was still open.

"Edward?" My voice was low and raspy. I wasn't sure what to think of his hasty retreat. I knew I had crossed a line, but he seemed ready and willing to cross it with me. He seemed ready to leave that line so far in the distance that it was no more than a dot and a distant memory.

He held up a finger to me in the universal sign for just a moment, and he worked to get his breathing under control. My inner sex goddess was glowing at the effect that one kiss had on him.

"Bella, you're upset." He didn't want to take advantage of me. That rang true with everything I had learned about Edward so far. He was a gentlemen.

"I know what I'm doing." And I did. I wanted him to take away the hurt I was feeling in the only way I knew how.

"Bella." He was looking slightly desperate now. I pushed off the wall and approached him slowly as one would a wild animal.

"I know what I'm doing," I repeated. I looked at him steadily. He studied me, looking for cracks in my armor. I slid my hands around his waist and slowly pressed my body to his. Swiftly, his face hardened and he pushed me away from him, taking a step into the living room so his back was facing away from me. I was stunned for a moment. Then, I felt a torrent of rejection wash over me. It was so unexpected in that moment. Normally, I went into interactions with another person armed with the knowledge that they could leave or do something to hurt me at any moment. But this. This I had done countless times with countless men, and I was confident of the reaction I would get. I knew what to expect. Edward Masen defied every one of those expectations. He left me feeling naked and exposed.

So I did the only thing my mother had ever taught me. I ran.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

_So I did the only thing my mother had ever taught me. I ran._

* * *

Chapter 13

When I got home, I was still raw inside. My feelings about Edward's rejection were fresh and painful. That Alice and Rose had been talking about me behind my back seemed inconsequential. I stood outside our apartment before going in composing my face in what I hoped was a look of contrition. I shoved down the other emotions that were trying to claw their way out. I had to make it past Rose and Alice.

Sure enough, when I opened the door, they were both waiting anxiously in the living room. They stumbled over apologies, talking over each other, but I barely heard a word. Finally, I held up my hand to silence them. "I'm sorry too. I overreacted, and I shouldn't have run out of here." We hugged and words of acceptance were exchanged.

When I finally made it back to my room, I sank down on my bed and hugged my chest. It felt like there was an aching hole there, but when I looked down, I only saw smooth skin. No jagged-edged pit that had been carved out by a butter knife.

My phone vibrated in my bag. I turned it on silent on my way home. Edward had been calling and texting almost continually. I didn't want to hear any lame excuses. It's not you, it's me. I just need to figure out who I am right now. You deserve someone so much better than me. I had used every one of them and never meant a word of it.

Edward didn't want me. The more I said it, the more numb I felt. Edward didn't want me. I hugged my chest tighter. I needed a plan. Something to deal with this.

I would pretend that nothing happened. He doesn't have to be embarrassed for not wanting me. It doesn't have to get awkward. I would just avoid him until this ache inside me subsided, and then I would pretend like nothing happened. Of course, I had to let Edward in on part of the plan otherwise he might try to talk to me about the kiss. Pain seared through me again. I reached for my bag and pulled out my phone. Ignoring the missed calls and texts from him, I typed him a message that was quick and to the point.

_Bella: No need to explain. Let's forget it ever happened._

With that I turned off my phone and lay back down on my bed. Edward didn't want me. We were just friends. Just friends.

* * *

Later that week, in Creative Writing, I had been trying not to think about Edward when my teacher dropped a bombshell on us. "As part of your final grade," Mr. Henkel announced excitedly, "each of you will be choosing 3 pieces to submit to the college's creative writing magazine that is published each spring. Short stories and poems will be accepted. No novels, Mr. Yorkie." A student from the back of the class scowled at the news. "Proceeds benefit the English Department. It makes a great gift for family members! Parents get a kick out seeing their kids as published authors."

I let the news sink in. I was a little shell shocked to be honest. Mr. Henkel was one of the first people I'd let read my writing in years and that was only because if I didn't, I would have failed the class. It helped that I didn't think he was very astute and that he failed to understand the deeper meaning of a lot of my poetry. As for my short stories, he just thought that I had a vivid imagination, not that I was drawing on personal experience.

To try to avoid focusing on the assignment that felt like an axe looming over my head, I scoffed to myself about what Mr. Henkel said about anthology being a great gift for family members. What family? All I had was Emmett, and I can't see him getting giddy about getting a book as a gift, even if my writing was inside. I guess, technically, Emmett's mom was family, but I hadn't spoken to her in over 10 years. She hadn't even made it out for the funerals. She had sent a lovely bouquet of flowers for both with a card that said "Sorry for your loss."

I froze, shocked by my line of thinking. My brain was sending out warning signals and when I was finally cognizant of my surroundings, most of my classmates were already out the door. I was already feeling frayed and exposed from everything that had happened with Edward, I didn't know what I'd do if my other walls started crumbling too. Slowly, I gathered up my notes and put them in my bag. The classroom was vacant except for Mr. Henkel when I finally made my way to the front of the room. I paused in front of his desk and waited until he stopped scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. Finally, he glance up at me.

"Bella, how can I help you?"

Looking at my feet, I pondered what to say. "It is about the pieces we are supposed to submit to the magazine. I do not really feel comfortable submitting any of my writing." I was being overly formal, but that happened sometimes when I was anxious. I glanced up at him to gage how he was receiving that statement. He was frowning at me. I gulped.

"Now, Bella, I have been lenient about the participation portion of the class because I know you do not like to read in front of the group." He was stern now, unyielding. "However, I will not bend on this matter. You will submit 3 pieces or you will not pass this class. Any questions?"

I shook my head and walked out of the room.

* * *

I was still in this sullen, resigned state when I sat down at the table across from Rose at the Grill.

"Whoa. Who killed your puppy?" she asked flippantly, but the concern in her eyes contradicted her tone of voice.

"Oh, it's nothing. I'm just blowing it out of proportion." I mentally gave myself a shake and tried to say brightly, "How's your day been?" It may have come out a little forced.

She glared at me. "No way, sister. We are talking about this. What are you blowing out of proportion?" When I was less than forthcoming, she prodded. "This doesn't have anything to do with Edward, does it?"

"No! Why would you even ask that?" The strength of my reaction contradicted my words. I was still avoiding all of his calls and texts, but she didn't know that. Did she? She just rolled her eyes at me and raised her eyebrow expectantly. "It's stupid really. Not even worth mentioning it." She just stared at me and waited. We had played this game before. Nine times out of ten, she came out victorious. I sighed. "It's just my Creative Writing class. My teacher is forcing us to submit 3 pieces to the magazine for class." I stared down at the ice tea she had ordered me unable to meet her gaze. When I was finally brave enough to glance up at her, she was looking at me thoughtfully.

"Bella," she said gently, as if talking to a wounded animal. "Would that really be so bad?" Rose knew that I never shared my writing with anyone. She was also one of the few people who knew why I didn't want anyone to read my writing. "I know what you write about is personal. But wouldn't it help to put those thoughts out there? To let someone else share the burden of your pain? You lost your brother and your dad, Bella. That's too much for any one person to bear."

It was about this point that I felt as if my head had been plunged under water and an aching pain spread across my chest. The fragile walls in my mind had crumbled, and I was flooded with thoughts and memories that I had been repressing for so long. I could still hear Rose's voice, but it was muffled and indistinct. I couldn't see her clearly either. I could vaguely make out her calling my name, concern evident in her voice, but I couldn't respond to her. I opened my mouth to try when I realized that I couldn't breathe. Panic started to overwhelm me as I gasped for oxygen, but my underwater prison wouldn't let me take a breath. I felt Rose come to my side and push head between my legs. Slowly, I started to come back to myself. My hearing was the first thing to return, and it felt like someone had turned the volume up in the restaurant to a level that hurt my ears. Sight was next. There was still a cloying pain in my chest as I glanced into Rose's concerned face and then at the area around us. Surprisingly, there were very few people who were paying attention to us. An elderly lady was glancing over at us curiously, but there was no sign that she knew she had just witnessed a full blown panic attack. Sensation to my arms and legs returned last and I stumbled to my feet. All I knew was that I had to get out of here.

"I gotta go. I'll see you at home." She looked like she wanted to argue, but I was already headed out the door.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

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"_I gotta go. I'll see you at home." She looked like she wanted to argue, but I was already headed out the door._

* * *

Chapter 14

I'm not quite sure how I made it home. I can't imagine what I looked like to onlookers as I half stumbled, half ran home. At some point, tears started streaming down my face, and I was navigating almost purely by muscle memory. Luckily, there was only one heavy traffic road I needed to cross.

The house was blissfully empty I got home. I knew Rose had class, but Alice didn't. And if Rose had called Alice, I would have been facing the pitying eyes of one Alice Brandon. Seemingly again, I got lucky. No Alice. I almost chuckled at the absurdity of me being lucky. Almost. Either Alice was unreachable or Rose decided I needed time to work it through on my own. My guess was the latter. If Rose was in my shoes, I know she'd appreciate the time to process alone.

I had enough sense to call in sick to work. Esme was shocked. I'm not sure if I had ever called in sick to work. I think I scared her a little because I was still in the crying phase at that point. I tried with difficulty to settle my breathing and talk through the lump the size of a fist that had made its way into my throat. She quickly assured me that she would find coverage.

After hanging up, I finally let myself go. I collapsed on the bed and curled into a ball. It felt like the pain was breaking me in two. I clutched at my heart and shook as sobs broke over me. I couldn't control the hysterical breaths or the low wail that filled the room.

I was broken.

I'm not sure how long had passed, but eventually I realized that I had quieted. My breathing slowed gradually, and I was just too exhausted to continue. Drained, I slid into a restless sleep.

I woke as the sky was getting dark. My eyes were swollen and red from crying myself to sleep. I was still curled on my side in the position I had fallen asleep. I laid there as the darkness slowly crept over the room. I lacked the energy to move. I just lay there, unthinking, my mind blank for the moment.

Slowly, thoughts began to worm their way back into my mind. The first and most pressing, even if it was the most superficial, was what do I tell Alice and Rose? I focused on this vain thought as other more painful thoughts jockeyed for position. I viciously shoved them back and narrowed my scope to this one decision.

I had never broken down in front of anyone before. I was always alone. Alice had caught the aftermath of one of my meltdowns freshman year, but I chalked it up to the stress of finals, and I think she bought it. The summer after I graduated high school, when I was dealing with the repercussions of my dad's death, I broke down at least once a week, but I was alone. No one was there to witness my weakness. By the time I went off to college, I had tucked my pain away in a little box along with all the memories that triggered that pain. I was still caught off guard by a stray thought or memory, but I was getting better at surviving them. I even felt some happiness now and then, like when I spent time with my friends, with Edward. However, I was reluctant to open my box of memories. I was afraid I might not survive.

What do I tell them? Brush it off as being hormonal? Stress over classes? Being rejected by Edward? The one thing I could absolutely not tell them was that I was fine. I could see Rose's stern stare with her arms crossed over her chest, flipping her blonde hair contemptuously over her shoulder. I could see Alice's roll of her eyes before she looked at me pointedly with an air of disbelief. Both with pity in their eyes.

I rolled onto my back and stretched out my stiff muscles. My ceiling stretched above me, and I stared through the darkness as if it held the answers I sought.

Maybe a version of the truth would be best. Aren't the best lies built on a kernel of truth? I was startled and overcome by the sudden emotions about my brother and my dad, but I was past it. I was okay now. I pressed my palms into my eyelids and shook my head at the ridiculousness of that statement. Not in a million years would they believe it.

Okay, Plan B. Maybe if I ignored it, they'd ignore it. They have always been good about giving me space to deal with my issues before. I'd tell them I just needed some time. They would understand that.

Down the hall, the front door slammed shut. I listened carefully and a few minutes later, the TV came on. It must be Alice.

Time to face the music, I told myself grimly.

I took one more breath and then levered myself out of bed. After turning on the light, I stifled a shriek at my appearance. The small amount of eye make-up I wore was smeared down my cheeks and around my eyes. My eyes were blood shot, but that couldn't be helped. I scooted quickly across the hall to the bathroom to wash my face and reassess.

Once my face was clean, I looked more human and less like death warmed over. I put on some waterproof mascara because Alice was always saying things like "mascara is a woman's armor" and "give me mascara or give me death!" I figured it wouldn't hurt to butter her up a little bit, and it detracted from my still red and puffy eyes. With nothing left to do, I exited the bathroom and walked slowly down the hall to the living room. In my head, a funeral dirge played as I marched to my doom.

Alice had on some rerun of a reality TV show. People may have been trapped on an island searching for true love. Or maybe they were sabotaging each other's survival plans. I redirected my thoughts to the matter at hand.

"Hey Al," I said with more levity than I possessed. Any hope I had that Rose had not talked to Alice about my panic attack went out the window when she muted the TV and looked at me over the back of the couch. There was the look of pity I always hated. It wasn't her fault. Anyone that knew got that look in their eyes. They didn't know how to handle my loss in any other way.

I bristled momentarily because Alice and Rose had been talking about me again, but quickly realized that I was being hypocritical. I would have done the same thing had it been Alice or Rose.

"Hey Bells," she replied cautiously. Her eyes were searching my face for evidence of my meltdown. "Rose called."

"Oh yeah?" I was going for nonchalant. The reality was slightly squeakier. I walked around the couch and sat down. I looked at the TV with feigned interest. Better to be looking at the TV rather than Alice for this conversation.

"Yeah." There was a pregnant pause as she waited for me to say something, and I prayed she would leave it alone. "Bella," she began in a tone I recognized. It was one that said we were going to talk about this whether I liked it or not. I figured this would be my only moment to jump in and try to halt this conversation before it went any farther.

"Al, I know you're worried about me. I just… I need some time and space to deal with this. In my own way. Can you give me that?" I felt like I should cross my fingers for good luck. I watched her face closely for any minute clues as to if this gambit was working. For a moment, she looked like she was ready to give into me. The look of pity was back, but also understanding. I was ready to proclaim victory when her face hardened with determination.

"Isabella Swan. We are talking about this. It's for your own good." The look on her face reminded me of the one she got on Black Friday when there was a really good deal she had to have. No one messed with Alice when she looked like this.

I frowned back at her. I guess Plan B was officially a bust.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Here it is. Laid bare for all to see. I know it took a little longer to get this chapter out to you, but hopefully you'll take solace in the fact that it is 3 times longer than my typical chapters.

Reviews make me smile. :)

_I frowned back at her. I guess Plan B was officially a bust._

* * *

Chapter 15

When confronted with a conflict, most people have either a flight or fight response. Some people run for the hills, preferring to flee rather than face their conflict. Better to walk away and live to fight another day. Their sense of self-preservation weighs heavily in their decision making. Some people square their shoulders and get ready to rumble. They welcome the fight to prove their worth and reaffirm their lives. They face the fire, sometimes with uncertainty, aware that they may be burned.

I was decidedly the former of the two as should be evident from my handling of my psychological well-being. My chief form of maintaining mental stability was denial. Denial is a type of flight, right?

With Alice determined to have this out, I figured I had a couple options:

1\. Deny, deny, deny

2\. Stand my ground and have the conversation

3\. Run

4\. Curl up in a ball and die from embarrassment

I made a mental list in my head while she stared at me, unwavering. While the first one was an oldie, but a goody, it had already failed once. I mentally scratched it off almost immediately. The second one got scratched off, too. It was silly to even include it. While the fourth option did sound appealing, it was unrealistic. I couldn't actually die from embarrassment, but I'd definitely want to if I curled up on the floor. So run it was. But where?

As my eyes darted towards the door, I considered leaving the apartment like last time. Alice surreptitiously stood up and walked around the couch so that she was blocking my escape path. When I thought about leaving, however, I was struck by the torrent of emotions that had accompanied Edward's rejection. Last time I had left, I had unconsciously sought shelter with Emmett and Edward. I wasn't willing to risk that happening again if the results would be the same. Ugh, I thought to myself. That was another conversation that I would try to put off as long as possible.

Back to the matter at hand. I would not leave the apartment, but I could leave the room to where she couldn't follow. I ran for my room and locked the door behind me.

I sagged against the door, and a feeling of shame washed over me. It covered me from head to toe as the gravity of the situation sunk into my brain. I slid down to the floor. I was behaving like a child, running and hiding from the big, scary thing that was out to get me. I held my head in my hands. There were no tears, just humiliation and deep, deep sorrow. I was a coward.

My negative thoughts played on a loop in my brain.

Denial.

Pain.

Loss.

Broken.

Coward.

I lost track of time. I realized I was stuck in a destructive cycle. I couldn't handle the pain of dealing with what I had lost. Therefore, I avoided all the things that could cause me pain. I avoided relationships with men. I avoided any connection to family. I fled from any deeper emotions. However, because I avoided dealing with the pain, it never went away. In order to move past the pain and on to my life, I needed to face the pain. The pain that threatened to swallow me whole and annihilate any sense of self, joy, and goodness. The pain that crippled me unexpectedly in the middle of restaurants. The pain that caused a panic strong enough to send my body into lock down. A destructive cycle, I thought with despair. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to change. I didn't know how to be anything but this.

A knock at the door broke me from my painful contemplations. I tensed.

"Bella?" Rose was talking gently like she would to a spooked colt.

The back of my brain registered moderate surprise because I didn't realize enough time had passed for Rose to be home. The front of my brain had more pressing issues to deal with. "Yeah?" My voice was scratchy from my previous crying jag and disuse.

"Can you come out in the living room? We'd like to talk to you."

I stood slowly, not even bothering to look in the mirror. I was a mess inside. My outside might as well match my inside for once. I was so used to the charade, but finally, I was too tired to go on. My happy face, my façade, was finally lowered. I was bare for the world to see. My emotions and pain. After the fight with Alice and Rose, Edward turning me away, and now my panic attack over having to share my writing, I was weary. Like Rose said, it was too much for any one person to bear. I grimly pressed my lips together at the incongruity of it all.

I opened the door and followed Rose in a similar march down the hall with the same funeral dirge playing in my head. I was at a loss for how I could change anything. Destructive cycle. I felt like someone had socked me in the gut. I pulled up short when I realized that Alice was not the only one waiting for me.

"Hey Bell," Emmett said quietly.

"Bella," Jasper uttered somberly, his mouth tipping up slightly at the corners to try to ease the tension.

I couldn't even manage a weak smile back as I entered the living room and curled myself up on the tan armchair. I wrapped my arms around my knees and looked at my friends. I waited for someone to begin. A thought zoomed through my brain: Thank god Edward isn't here to witness this. Rose cleared her throat nervously. Her usual air of confidence was clouded, and I felt a sharp stab of regret for causing her to lose something that was such an innate part of her personality, even for a moment.

"Bella, I asked everyone to come over today. We're here because we love you." She looked at me solemnly as she said this.

I had a strange urge to burst out in hysterical giggles even though it wasn't remotely funny. I was getting an intervention. I had a brief flash of some TV show where a group of friends kept holding interventions for ridiculous things. I racked my brain trying to remember the name of that show. As Rose continued, I realized that I had more important things to deal with.

"Alice and I have," Rose paused for a moment, finding the words. "We have disagreed on how to help you in the past. I realize now that you need someone to step in and help you. We've known each other for over 2 years now, and I keep waiting. I keep waiting for you to deal with this in your own way, but you haven't. I keep telling Alice to leave it alone and give you some space, but it hasn't helped. In fact, bottling it all up has made things worse, not better."

She took a breath and despite the kind, empathetic look on her face, I had a vision of a cobra preparing to strike, preparing to go in for the kill.

"The pain of losing your brother and father is never, ever going to go away." The pain in my chest worsened as Rose's words coursed over me, through me, but I didn't fall into a panic attack like I had at lunch. I considered it a win, no matter how small.

Without pausing, she barreled on. "But you can start the healing process. You can start getting better. You can start to live again, Bella. You're smart. You're caring, and you have so much to offer. I know you enjoy being with us, but you're not truly happy, Bell. I can see it in your eyes. I want so much for you, but none of it will be possible without finding a way to let out everything that's eating away at you.

Change is what life is all about. Right now, you're stuck in neutral. Can't go forward, can't look back. I want you to smile. I want you to laugh. I want you to feel it way deep down in your soul. I want you to enjoy your life, not just survive. You need to start living your life." She looked at me and breathed deeply. I didn't know what to say to her, but luckily, she didn't give me the chance. "Alice?"

"Bella," Alice began, "we have been roommates since freshman year." She looked like she was on the verge of tears, but she held them back. "I liked you immediately, but I could see a sadness that you tried to hide. You were there, and you were with us, but some of you wasn't there, you know? Some of you was somewhere else. There was always a part of you that was removed and reserved, kept hidden from even us, your friends. We got to know each other over the years, but I don't feel like I know all of you, not that you ever really know all of a person, well maybe your soulmate, but that's a different kind of…" Alice trailed off in the middle of her rambling. She seemed just as nervous as Rose, but she took a deep breath and that look of determination returned to her face.

"We've never talked about what happened to you even after nearly 3 years. I've learned that there are certain topics to avoid. I don't even know the full story, just the bits and pieces that I have been able to gather through things that set you off and off-handed comments that you don't even realize.

You are my best friend. Best friends share in the happy and sad with each other. They share the good, the bad, and the ugly. They share laughs and tears. They share pivotal moments that change them forever. They share their lives, Bell. Did you know that you've never said you love me?" I flinched at that, but Alice's eyes were still kind. "I'm not saying this to hurt you. I just want you to know how it's affected the relationships you have with people. How it's affected your relationship with me."

She took another deep breath to steady herself. Jasper placed a hand on her shoulder and rubbed it supportively. She gave him a watery smile. Still looking at him, she continued. "I want you to allow yourself to love and be loved in return." She looked back at me. "Not even a boyfriend, although don't even get me started on your one and done policy…" Jasper gave her shoulder a squeeze as if to remind her to stay on topic. She tried again. "Not even a boyfriend, but friends like us. Let yourself love us, Bella. Let us love you."

Eyes turned toward Jasper as Alice finished. I had an errant thought about the planning session they must have had while I was holed up in my room and wondered wryly what that must have been like, but it left just as quickly as Jasper began to speak.

"Bella, you are my friend. I know Alice brought us together, but we have grown beyond that. We are friends in our own right. You are one of the people I can count on above all others. I can't even count the number of times you've saved my ass, from stupid stuff to the serious stuff. I still can't believe you talked the campus cop out of arresting me for public nudity. I was sure I was going to jail. And do you remember sophomore year? You were there for me when I thought I was going to have to drop my major because I was failing Ed 101. You told me to buck up and helped me study the crap out of those philosophies of education. You helped me study day in and day out for my exams. You read over my papers and projects. Now, I'm doing my student teaching next year. You helped do that. You came through for me." He paused and looked at me with those insightful eyes. I was sometimes uncomfortable being alone with Jasper because he seemed to see right into my soul with those eyes. My thoughts depressed me even more. It was so screwed up. No one should feel that way about her friends.

"But you don't come to me or any of us for help. You do it all on your own. At first, I thought maybe you were just really independent. I know some girls have something to prove. Then, I was hurt that you didn't trust me. I trusted you with this heavy crap, why didn't you?

It took me a while to realize the truth. You think we're going to leave you, don't you?" His eyes burned into mine and as I felt tears start to slide down my cheeks, I closed my eyes to break his gaze. I thought about my actions and realized that he was right. My fear of abandonment was not limited to just men. Hesitantly, I nodded. I heard several sharp intakes of breath.

"Bells." I had never heard Emmett so heartbroken. It was such a contrast to his normal, jovial tone. I wanted to do something, anything to remove the hurt from his voice. "I may be the only one who is blood, but we're all your family. We all love you. We're all here for you no matter what."

I opened my eyes and looked around the room. They were all looking at me with such love and fear for me that I was overcome. The tears flowed faster and I buried my head in my hands.

"Give us some time alone, guys." I listened as the three of them filed out quietly. Silence filled the room except for my occasional sobs. I took a couple deep breaths to try to calm myself. It took a few minutes, but once I did, I raised my gaze to meet Emmett's.

"Em…I don't…I don't know what to do," I whispered softly to him through my tears.

"I know, Bell, I know." He got up carefully from the couch and walked over to the chair where I was sitting. He scooped me up in his arms and sat back down in the tan chair with me cradled against his chest. I felt like a child, small and insignificant, but protected. It was exactly what I needed. He held me there as I dampened his shirt with my tears, rubbing my back, and letting me cry it out. His voice was quiet the next time he spoke. "Talk to me. I've never heard you talk about anything that happened, and it's eating you alive. It's a cancer, Bell. Let it out."

"I don't even know where to begin."

"How about the beginning?"

I took a moment to lean into his chest and absorb his warmth and strength. I thought seriously about where the beginning was. It would be easier with Emmett because he knew some of the details already, but this was not going to be pretty. I already felt like my chest was being rent in two, and I hadn't even started speaking yet. The beginning. I closed my eyes and started speaking.

"Mom left when I was ten. She was unhappy and stir-crazy and I never gave her a break. I was always getting into things that I shouldn't because I was so curious. She had to watch me like a hawk. She would get so scared if she couldn't find me. As I grew up, I was still getting into trouble, trying to do things with the older kids in the neighborhood. I wanted to be cool like them. I whined and complained and was basically a pain in the ass.

One day, she just threw up her hands and said she had had it. The next, day she was gone. I still feel like it's my fault."

Emmett seemed to realize that he shouldn't interrupt me because if I stopped, I might not have the will to start again. I'm sure he had some choice things to say about the woman who birthed me.

"My rational mind knows that I was just a kid, that it wasn't my fault, that I was just acting like kids do. But the irrational part says that if my own mother couldn't love me and stay for me, who will?" I paused at that, feeling the weight and internal truth of my words. I did have trouble believing that anyone would stay and love me.

Numbly, I continued. "After she left, my life as I knew it ended. Dad was never the same. She broke something inside of him, and he was a shell of the man he once was. There was no one but me to take care of Seth." My brain worked to conjure up a picture of my little brother. As the years passed, this became harder and harder. It was more of a still life photograph than a motion picture in living color.

"He was only 7. He needed a mom and a dad, not a sister who was still a kid herself. Not a dad who went to work and came home, empty inside. I had to cook dinner, help him with homework, make sure he took a bath and brushed his teeth. If dad forgot to get groceries, I had to take money from the emergency fund and walk into town to go to the store. I was only ten. Who makes a fifth grader go grocery shopping? It was almost like I lost two parents when Mom left." Words were tumbling out of me now. The dam had broken and repressed thoughts and feelings were flowing out of me.

"It took a while, but Dad got better. I was starting high school when he finally seemed to realize that his children needed him. I know him and your mom weren't on speaking terms, but you came to visit a couple times. He wasn't quite the man he used to be, but I got to stop being a parent for a while and try to be a kid again. Until Seth got sick." A lump wedged itself in my throat and I found it impossible to go on.

"You can do it, Bells." Emmett rubbed my back, and I tried to be strong.

"Seth had leukemia. He had cancer. My little brother had cancer. We found out the summer after my sophomore year. He was feeling tired a lot, and it seemed like he was getting a lot of bruises, more than normal. My dad took him to the doctor, and another doctor, and another doctor who told us it was cancer.

There was a moment there that I only thought about myself. I was worried about how it would affect my summer with my friends. Can you believe that? I'm a terrible, terrible person. My brother had cancer, and all I could think about was me. All I could do is worry about my life. Then, all I could feel was scared. I didn't know much about cancer, but I knew you could die.

I must have been bad right away because I remember my dad being really scared and not wanting to talk about it. He treated me like a kid even though I was pretty much my own parent for years in grade school and middle school. It was such a blur of treatments and doctors and side effects. He battled and fought and tried. He tried so hard.

Then, he died. He died and left me behind." My voice is weak and I don't know if Emmett can still hear me. He knows this part though. I keep talking though. Even though I feel my chest splitting in two with every word I speak, there is a small part of me that feels lighter with the words out there in the universe. That small part is the only reason I can go on. That small part gives me hope that I won't die as my heart is shredded in my chest.

"The funeral was a bitter pill. He was so fucking young. He should have grown up and flirted with girls and got drunk with his friends and made stupid choices! He should have had time to make choices! It's not fair! God dammit! Why? Why? I don't understand why…" The sobs were back, dry and aching. I was overcome with grief. I gasped in lungful after lungful of air in between sobs and quaked in Emmett's arms.

"Finish it, Bells. Finish it."

"I didn't realize something was wrong with Dad until after the funeral. He had been holding it together for Seth. He had to do the grown up thing to try and help Seth get better.

I knew he was grieving too, but after… He was gone again. Like before, but worse. So much worse. He was catatonic. After a month, he roused himself enough to go to work, but I don't know if he did anything. It was a small town and everyone knew what had happened. Maybe they let him slide.

When he was home, he just sat and stared. He only ate when I made him. He only drank when I made him. He didn't care about life anymore.

But I was still there, dammit! I was still his daughter and I needed him! I needed him to be strong because I just a fucking kid! I didn't know what to do! Then he fucking dies! Fucking 'stress cardiomyopathy' the doctors say. I hear the whispers though. He died from a broken heart. Well my heart is broken too. He dies, he fucking dies, and even though I shouldn't, I hate him because he fucking left me! He left me all alone! Why? Why wasn't I enough for him? Why couldn't he be strong for me? Why did he do this to me? How could he?"

And just like that, it's all out there. I was sobbing and dripping snot all over Emmett's shirt. I'd been hit by a truck that may have backed over me a few times for good measure. It was terrible and painful and heart-wrenching and it may be the smartest thing I've ever done.

I cried there in Emmett's arms until the world melted away into a pool of darkness and slumber.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

Edward will be back next chapter. Bella had to get through a few things with the help of her friends first.

_I cried there in Emmett's arms until the world melted away into a pool of darkness and slumber._

* * *

Chapter 16

Sometimes reality is a bitch.

Sometimes reality is a terrible, awful, and heart breaking wench. She likes to kick you when you're already down. She revels in your dignity and happiness being stripped away and replaced by humiliation and despair. She jumps with joy when you are left disgraced and empty and without hope for better things to come. Reality is a raging, crazy bitch.

I was dreaming that I was running down a long hall. It had doors on either side that all looked the same. They were beige. The walls were beige. The ceiling and floor were beige. I had the feeling that I wasn't making any progress. No matter how hard I ran, no matter how fast, everything looked the same. I was going nowhere. Finally, things began to change. There was a red door at the end of the hall, and as I ran toward it, it swung open and someone was standing framed in the doorway. As I neared, I tried to see who it was, but there was a bright light shining from behind the figure, only revealing a silhouette. It was a man. I could tell by the broad shoulders and narrow hips. I felt this strange need. I had to get to him. I ran towards him as fast as I could go.

I woke up as Emmett set me gently on my bed. I could tell he was trying not to wake me. He froze when he saw my wide eyes staring up at him. I blinked at him, feeling my brain become more alert and events from the last few days coming to me in flashes of color and feeling.

Emmett continued looking at me for several moments. I was feeling surprisingly alert after everything. I wondered how long I had slept for. I glanced over at the clock on my night stand. 10:56.

Perhaps noticing that I wasn't going to pass out on him, Emmett turned and pulled my desk chair over to the bed so that he could sit next to me. There was no way Emmett could perch by me on my single bed. Emmett's size did not lend itself well to perching. I looked at him expectantly. He reached over and took my hand in a comforting way.

"Hey." Emmett was always very verbose, I thought sarcastically.

"Hey," I replied experimentally. My voice was a little rough from all the crying, but it came out strong.

"How you doing, kid?" I winced a little at this for several reasons. Firstly, I hated that question when it was layered with ulterior motives. I rather someone say, "I know doing just fucking terrible. Tell me all about it." Secondly, an honest answer to that question was…complicated. The "kid" tacked on to the end kind of warmed my heart, so I decided to allow the question instead of dismissing it on principle.

"I'm…" What was I? Fine? Hell no. Great? Hell fucking no. A punching bag for reality? Definitely. "It's complicated. I do feel like hell. Like I've been run over by an 18-wheeler. At the same time, it feels…" I struggled to find the words. "…cathartic? Therapeutic? Just to have it all out there. The weight on my chest has lifted slightly. I haven't felt quite so… whole in a long time." I looked down at my hands, embarrassed by my confession. Emmett squeezed my hand in reassurance.

"So what now?" Emmett asked quietly. Somehow, I knew just what he was asking. Where do I go from here? I had talked about my problems, but they weren't gone. I was more aware of my insecurities, but I didn't know how to go about getting over them. Getting through them. Just getting my life back. My thoughts were interrupted as Emmett started speaking again. "Have you thought about… seeing someone?" Emmett was tiptoeing around the idea. He should have realized that he could never pull it off. Everything about him was big and uncoordinated. Even his personality. He had a strange grace in certain things like football and when he swept me up in a hug, pulling me completely off the ground. Everything else, he was a bull in a china shop.

"Like a therapist?" I had thought about it a long time ago. It seemed like every adult figure in my life had tried to cram therapy down my throat when my dad had died. That was the fix for all of the horrific things that had happened. Go talk about it. I had moments of surly teenage-ism. It got to the point where it pissed me off so much that I almost said no on principle. I had other qualms about therapy as well. It was rooted in the fact that in the house I was raised in, we had never been expressive of our emotions. My dad shut his down on almost a regular basis, so I had never had any good role models for healthy emotional expression. We rarely said I love you and physical affection with my father was limited to special occasions. My brother and I were more affectionate. I still remember my mom kissing my forehead and telling me she loved me each night when she tucked me in. I tried to give that to Seth when I was playing at being mommy and in charge of taking care of him. I'm sure I bungled it as a ten year old, but after Seth was diagnosed and before he died, he knew exactly how much I loved him. I can take pride in that at least.

Emmett was still looking at me, waiting patiently for the thoughts to make their way through my slightly addled brain. He knew it took a while for me to process things. Especially emotionally heavy things.

Therapy. My knee-jerk reaction was skepticism. How was talking about things going to make it better? Then, I had a sudden realization. I had just talked about it. I was feeling better. I still wasn't crazy about the idea, but what did I have to lose? Nothing, I thought. Nothing to lose, but everything to gain. I blew out a breath.

"Yeah, I think I want to try that." My voice shook slightly, but I was firm.

"OK then. Do you want me to help you find one?"

"Would you? I feel like I might get cold feet if I have to search the yellow pages for a therapist."

"Yeah, no problem. You want me to set up an appointment if I find a good one or do you want to do that?"

"I can." I looked up at him now so he would see my words were sincere and heart felt. "Thanks, cuz. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You know I'm always there for you, don't you, kid?" His words and eyes were earnest for me to believe him. I stared back, torn in two. I wanted to, I really did. And part of me whole-heartedly believed every assurance. It was the part of me that was still a little girl being tucked in by her mom every night. The little girl who still had a mommy, a daddy, and a brother that loved her. The little girl that had never faced the harshness of reality. The other part of me was the jaded 21 year old that had lived through loss and abandonment far too many times. She had seen realities true colors

I patted his arm and smiled weakly up at him. "I know, cuz. Somewhere inside me, I know."

He smiled back with similar strength. He knew it wasn't about him. Emmett was good like that.

A sheepish smile spread across his face, and he released my hand to rub the back of his head. "You know, Edward wanted to come when he heard we were coming over tonight. Said he had something he needed to talk to you about." I simply quirked an eyebrow at him instead of responding. "I may have told him not to come tonight. To talk to you later this week. I wasn't sure if you would want him here… for this… haven't known him all that long…" Emmett was mumbling, a sure sign that he was unsure if he had done the right thing.

"That's fine, Em. I don't know him like I know you guys and if he felt obligated to confess his love like all of you were doing, things could have gotten awkward." See, I thought proudly, cracking jokes already.

The joke, however, fell rather flat. Emmett looked at me rather strangely and then let out a belated laugh that hung strangely in the air.

"Well, kid, I should let you get some rest. You've been through the ringer today. I'm going to start looking into therapists tomorrow." He bent and kissed my forehead before he left the room. I had a brief flashback to the last, more feminine set of lips that had kissed my forehead. The memory, when fully recalled, was filled with warmth and love and home.

With that warmth filling me, I drifted off to more pleasant dreams than the beige hallway.

Reality may be a bitch, but sometimes, she's the bitch who's in your corner. She's the one who yells at the bullies of life and defends you when they try to stuff you in a locker. She's the one who curses the one who wronged you and swears revenge. She's the one who's got your back and tells the world to go to hell on your behalf. She is fearless and brave in all the ways you wish you were.

With friends like Emmett, I almost felt like reality might be slowly moving into my corner at last.


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

_With friends like Emmett, I almost felt like reality might be slowly moving into my corner at last._

* * *

Chapter 17

I always tend to wax philosophical in the mornings.

I wonder about the meaning of life. I wonder about fate versus free will. I wonder about the vastness of the universe.

Many mornings, I reach over to my bedside table, grab my notebook that I always kept there and scribble the thoughts that popped into my head. When I read back over it later, some of it was deep and powerful. The rest was the disjointed ramblings of a pre-caffeinated brain.

The benefit of mornings, I had always felt, was that your brain was free of all the cobwebs that had accumulated the previous day. Sleep was a floor to ceiling deep cleaning for your brain, complete with dusting and shampooing the carpets. Sleep was a chance for your brain to organize all the junk that it had collected, sort it into its proper containers, and throw out what it didn't need anymore. Your brain needs that time to go through everything that you experience. There's a reason that people go crazy if they don't sleep. Imagine the show _Hoarders,_ but in your brain.

This particular morning was a Thursday. It was the day after Armageddon. The day after my day of reckoning. I was still feeling raw and exposed.

I decided that it would be healthy to ditch class today.

After emailing my requisite teachers, I laid back on my twin bed and thought about my life. I knew that I could not keep going on like I had, that much I had decided last night. It was also clear this morning that I had been living a shell of a life the past three years. I was ready to change, ready to move forward, ready for a new chapter to begin. Waxing philosophical, check.

I sighed. Hopefully, the therapist would know how to do that, because I had no freaking idea. However, there were some things that I needed to take care of today. I made a mental list:

1\. Talk to Alice

2\. Talk to Rose

3\. Talk to Edward

4\. Follow up with Emmett about the therapist and schedule an emergency session

The last one was slightly melodramatic. I was just really nervous about all of the talking. Alice and Rose shouldn't be too bad, but Edward… I wasn't sure what to say to him. I had kissed him. Oh, man, had I kissed him. For just a minute, I let myself wallow in the memory of his hard body and soft lips pressed against mine.

Shaking my head to clear it, I made a decision. I would talk to Edward first. Yesterday, today, and every day in the foreseeable future was going to be about facing things that made me feel vulnerable and scared. Edward certainly fit the bill. I might as well start off strong, face things head on.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I sent Edward a text.

_Bella: Do you have time to talk? Name the time and place._

I had barely set my phone down when it chirped that I had received a reply.

_Edward: My apartment, now?_

Deep breaths. In and out. In and out.

_Bella: Be there soon._

* * *

I spent the walk over focusing on my feet on the sidewalk, on the air moving in and out of my chest, on the way the breeze picked up pieces of my hair before setting them down again. I focused on anything but the conversation that was looming before me.

I probably should have been preparing. I probably should have been thinking about what I wanted to say. I probably should have been thinking about all the possible things Edward could say. But I wasn't. I was afraid if I thought about it, I would run far, far away and never look back. I was facing things head on, but that didn't mean I wasn't utterly and completely terrified of the results.

Autopilot was in full effect as I made my way across campus and suddenly, BAM! I was standing in front of Edward and Emmett's door, a sense of deja vu washing over me. Comfort, lust, and rejection quickly followed.

I knocked. I heard a familiar shuffle of feet and the door swung open.

The world seemed to freeze for a moment. There was Edward, looking far more beautiful than any one man had the right to look. His green eyes were locked with mine, holding me in place. He didn't move or utter a sound. When I felt like I would break under the pressure of his stare, he took a half step back and gestured with his arm that I was welcome to enter.

As I brushed past him, feeling the heat of his body, my eyes were drawn as if by a magnet to the place where he had pushed me up against the wall. I paused, my eyes darting nervously back to him. His eyes were flickering between my eyes and my lips. A blush crept up my face, hot and telling. I broke away from his gaze and rushed over to the couch. I heard the door shut behind me as I stared resolutely at the coffee table. My brain seemed to have gone blank. I was at a loss for how to start. Maybe I should have thought about what I wanted to say on the way over.

Edward slowly made his way from the door to the other end of the couch. Each of us was perched at the opposite ends, as far away from the other as humanly possible. I wanted to laugh at us, at this situation, but the laugh got stuck in my throat.

"Did you mean it?"

I was thrown by the sudden break in the silence. My eyes found his and I blinked dumbly at him. "What?"

"Did you mean it?" There was something earnest and desperate in his words, like something about my response would either be his salvation or his condemnation.

"Mean what?" I was at a loss for what he was talking about. I racked my brain for a possible answer, but I drew a blank.

"Do you… Could you…" He's stumbling over his words, and I'd never seen this version of Edward. My Edward had always been so sure and so confident. My Edward. I was stunned at my own thoughts, and I almost missed when he finally finds the words he wanted to say. "Do you really want to forget it ever happened?"

He doesn't need to explain anymore. The kiss. My text. _Let's forget it ever happened._

Did I want that? Did I want to forget about that kiss? That kiss that had been burned into my brain, into my lips, into my body. Could I forget about that kiss even if I wanted to? I had been hurt by the sting and shock of rejection when I sent that, but this Edward (my Edward, my brain interjected) wasn't rejecting me. This Edward and his look of desperation were waiting with bated breath for _my_ rejection.

I searched his face for the man who had stiffly turned away from me when I was offering him my body. Maybe I had misunderstood. Maybe he wasn't rejecting me. His face was an open book. I read about his fear of being rebuffed as easily as I read _To Kill a Mockingbird. _I read of his need for my response, whatever it might be, and his hope that maybe I wanted him too. His hope did me in, and I knew there was no way I could lie to this man.

"No." My voice came out a whisper as I stared at the coffee table once more, and it was Edward's turn to flounder as he tried to understand.

"What?"

"No, I didn't mean it." There was a moment when our breathing was the only sound I could hear. "I could never forget that kiss."

"Me neither," he whispered, as if he was afraid to break the stillness of the moment. When I looked up, I was startled to find that he had been moving closer and closer to me during our conversation. There was now less than a foot between us. As our eyes met, his face broke into a smile that filled the room with warmth and light. He reached out and dragged me the final foot until I was tucked into his side. The comfort I had felt in his embrace when I showed up at his door earlier that week returned ten-fold. I just sat there for several minutes absorbing the warmth and solace he offered freely. A question that had been bothering me finally wormed its way to my conscious thoughts.

"Why did you turn away from me? I thought… I thought you were rejecting me." I spoke to his chest where my head was currently pressed. I felt his arm tighten around my shoulders. He took a couple of beats, but I didn't press him. I knew he was composing his thoughts.

"When you kissed me, you have no idea. It was incredible." He sounded awed. It was a heady feeling to effect a man like that, and I was very glad he couldn't see my face. "My thoughts caught up to me, and I realized that if I let this continue, I'd be taking advantage of you. You looked so vulnerable, so…" He shifted, pulling me tighter to him. "But when I pulled away, I thought about what Alice had said. 'One and done' I believe she coined it so eloquently. I knew I didn't want to be someone who came into your life to leave it just as quickly. I wanted to be around… Shit. I wanted to be around longer than that, okay? I… I care about you. I wanted more than just… And I was going to tell you that when I had gotten myself back under control so I didn't jump you as soon as I looked back into those sexy eyes, but you ran." He pulled back a little so he could peer down at me. "Why did you run?"

It was my turn to take a couple moments to organize my thoughts. "You may have realized this already, but… I'm kind of… broken." He looked like he wanted to protest, so I rushed on. "I have trust issues, and abandonment issues, and intimacy issues, and probably some other issues I don't even realize. I just realized, well, that I need some help dealing with all that. Emmett is helping me find someone to talk to." I rested my head back against his chest, trying to find strength in him. "But I'm still a major flight risk. I don't know how to be in a relationship. Hell, I haven't had more than a one night stand since high school. I would understand…" I couldn't go on. The words were lodged in my throat. Without realizing it, Edward had become important to me. He snuck in past my defenses and wedged himself in my… heart. I cared about him, too.

Edward brought up the hand that wasn't around my shoulders and caressed my hair. It was soothing and comforting and a Band-Aid to my tender heart. "Shhh," he soothed. "I'm not going anywhere."

"But, I can't… I'm not ready… I don't know how…"

"Shhh, I'm a patient man. I told you, I want to be around long time."

I wanted to believe him. My heart, my soul, was screaming for my brain to believe him. Just like with Emmett, there was the warring dichotomy of the little girl and the jaded woman. Both were a part of me, and both disagreed with each other vehemently. So I stayed quiet and pressed myself tighter to him.

Maybe Edward realized I wasn't ready to believe him yet. Maybe he really was a patient man, willing to wait for me to be ready. There was a seed of hope inside of me that prayed for and believed everything he was saying was true.

Time. Time would tell.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

_Maybe Edward realized I wasn't ready to believe him yet. Maybe he really was a patient man, willing to wait for me to be ready. There was a seed of hope inside of me that prayed for and believed everything he was saying was true. _

_Time. Time would tell._

* * *

Chapter 18

I always envisioned therapy like they show it in the movies. The patient (me) would lay on the stiff, formal couch and talk while the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist scribbled on his notepad. He would occasionally peer over his spectacles at the patient (me) and say things like "Hmmm" and "How does that make you feel?" The room would always feel like a doctor's office trying to poorly mimic a casual setting. Imaginary patient me would always feel like she was being judged as weak or examined like a lab rat.

In truth, the offices of Ms. Nancy Sullivan felt more like someone's living room than a doctor's office. There was a couch with plump comfortable cushions as well as several equally cozy arm chairs. I had been encouraged to sit wherever I felt most comfortable. I had taken up residence in one of the arm chairs that faced the door. I couldn't quite relax back into it, so I was sitting stiffly upright near the edge of the cushion. I was like a bird poised to take flight.

The room had a sky blue and sandy motif that reminded me of the beach. Despite reminding me of someone's home, there were definite signs that I was in the psychologist's office. There was a desk in the corner, several filing cabinets that I assumed were there to hold patient files, and a large bookshelf filled with titles like _Cognitive Psychology_ and _Treatment Planning for Person-Centered Care_.

Never say that Emmett is not efficient. I had my "intervention" on Wednesday night. I talked things out with Edward, Alice, and Rose on Thursday. By Monday, I was sitting in Nancy's office peering around at my surroundings. I had been lucky to get an appointment. Apparently, there was a last minute cancellation, and she was able to squeeze me in. Either that, or Emmett could be very convincing.

As I made eye contact with Nancy, as she insisted I call her, I became aware that my leg was bouncing up and down uncontrollably. I placed one of my hands on it to still the movement. I cleared my throat.

"You seem a little nervous," Nancy observed. Understatement of the century, I thought dramatically. She was in her mid-40's, if I had to guess. She wore a grey pant suit, and her blonde hair was pulled back into a severe bun. It would have been intimidating and slightly off-putting, but her demeanor was warm and welcoming. Her posture and face were relaxed and open.

"I am. I've never done this before." I gestured around the room vaguely. "I've never seen a psychologist before."

"Well, you've taken a very brave first step today."

"I don't feel brave." My voice was small, and I wasn't sure if she would hear me. I wasn't sure I meant for her to hear me.

She looked at me intently for a long moment. "Why don't you talk to me about the things that led you here to me, here to this room?" She gestured around with a smile.

I pondered her words. What had ultimately led me here? "My friends are worried about me," I blurted out stupidly. She looked at me like she was waiting for me to continue. "I have trouble with… trust."

"I see. Are you worried?"

I shifted my glance between her penetrating eyes and the swirling pattern that dominated the rug on the floor. Eyes. Floor. Eyes. Floor. I nodded slowly.

"What are you worried about?"

"I'm worried I'm… I'm not… I'm not living my life."

"This is a safe place, Bella. You can talk about whatever you feel comfortable talking about. There is no judgment here. There is no need to hide."

I took a deep breath. If I was going to do this therapy thing, I needed to commit to it. I needed to talk about my past. Each time I had talked about it, first to Emmett and more briefly to Rose and Alice, I had felt better, lighter. Yes, it was still painful to rehash, but each time seemed to get a little better. "My mom left us when I was ten…"

It was slower going than with Emmett because Nancy asked a few questions, and I explained things in a little more detail. But I told it. I told my story.

* * *

My back was to the door when I heard the chime sound. I was in the middle of taking an order, but I glanced over my shoulder to see who the new arrivals were. My brown eyes met piercing green ones. My pen froze on my pad as my eyes roved over his face taking him and his beautiful smile in.

After my confession to him Thursday, he had held me for a while on the couch. I didn't want to leave his arms. We had not made any promises to each other, no demands, but there was hope for someday in our words. We eventually decided to watch TV, never moving away from our positions curled around each other. When Emmett returned home, he greeted us, but did not comment about the way were sitting except to raise his eyebrows at me. Shortly after that, I decided to go home and talk to Rose and Alice. He kissed me softly on the cheek before I walked out the door.

"Miss? Miss? Excuse me?" I was startled out of my reminiscing by a woman's shrill voice to my right. I realized that my fingers had come up to my cheek where Edward's lips had been. I shook myself out of my stupor.

"House salad with chicken, dressing and cheese on the side, and a side of French fries. Anything else?" The woman pursed her lips at me, but shook her head. "Okay, I'll put that order in for you right away."

I left her and her companion and headed to the door. In my fixation on Edward, I hadn't noticed who his companion was. I waved to Jasper as I walked over.

"Just the two of you? Sit anywhere you like." I couldn't help the wide smile that graced my face. I had talked to Edward on the phone several times over the weekend, and on Saturday, he and the boys had come over to watch a movie. We sat on the loveseat together again with my feet on his lap. I received another kiss on the cheek before him and Emmett walked home at the end of the night.

"Hey Bella!" Jasper greeted me, giving me a hug as he walked past and headed to a booth.

"Hey beautiful," said another low voice. I turned toward Edward, and he too gave me a hug, lingering in a way that Jasper had not.

"Hey you," I said shyly. I followed him over to join Jasper. "Can I get you started with anything to drink?"

"Coke, please," Jasper replied with a wide grin. Suspiciously wide. I wondered what he was up to.

"Same. Thanks."

I handed them two menus. "I'll be right back." I headed to the window into the kitchen, attached the ticket from my other table to the carousel and spun it around. "Hey Ricky! I got an order for table 12. Meatloaf special, salad with chicken, dressing and cheese on the side, and a side of fries."

Ricky popped up and pulled the ticket off the wheel. "A salad and an order of fries? Who's this chica trying to fool?"

"No idea, I just take the orders." I busied myself filling two cokes at the soda station next to the window.

"I swear, you chiquitas don't know how to eat any more. Don't men like a little something to grab on to?" I laughed at him as he leaned on the ledge and pretended to leer at me, raking his eyes up and down my body with a wiggle of his eyebrows. He glanced around at the tables that were filled. I could tell when his eyes landed on the table with Edward and Jasper. He let out a low whistle. "And who are those two pieces of eye candy?"

I laughed at him again and glanced their way, too. Edward was on the side of the booth facing me, and our eyes met as I looked toward them. I smiled, but looked down and away as I felt my cheeks flush.

"Oh, you know Jasper. Alice's boyfriend? And that's Edward. Emmett's new roommate." I finished filling the second coke. I didn't know what to say about Edward except for that. He wasn't my boyfriend. He wasn't technically my anything. My heart fluttered. Maybe I wanted him to be. I hadn't had a thought like that since my dad died. Actually, since before Seth was diagnosed. I had wanted guys, sure. Lusted after them for the night, but then I was happy to be free of them. Not Edward though. I didn't just want him for the night.

"Oh, just Emmett's roommate?" Ricky was gazing critically at my face. "I don't know. I think someone would like to take him home and…"

"You stop right there, Ricardo! None of your filthy mouth!"

"But baby, you love my filthy mouth." He grinned at me, and I couldn't help but giggle as I picked up the two beverages and headed back to Edward and Jasper. Edward was frowning slightly.

"Here you go, boys. Now, we ready to order?"

Jasper glanced at Edward who still had a small frown on his face. "I think we need a few more minutes, Bell," Jasper responded for both of them. I smiled and walked away to check in with my other tables.

When I returned a few minutes later, Edward smiled at me warmly. "So beautiful, what do you recommend?" I tried not to duck my head at Edward's term of endearment. He'd been using it since Thursday. It made my insides feel squishy and warm.

"Hmm, meatloaf is pretty good. I love our mashed potatoes. Oh, and Ricky makes a mean patty melt."

"Does he?" I didn't really understand the tone of his question, so I just answered it plainly.

"Yeah, he does. It's delicious."

"I'll take the meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

I turned to Jasper who had been watching our exchange with a smirk on his face. "And for you, Jazz?"

"You know I can't say no to one of Ricky's patty melts," he said wiggling his eyebrows at me. Those damn eyebrows. I snickered softly at his ridiculousness.

"Fries?" I glanced at Edward as I said this and he seemed to be glaring at Jasper. I felt like I had missed something.

"Yes, ma'am." He was smirking at Edward now. Boys are strange creatures.

"I'll get that started for you two right away." I walked back to the kitchen window and put the ticket on the carousel. "Meatloaf special and a patty melt with fries." Ricky yelled something indiscernible from the grill in the back, and I went to check on my other customers.

When their order was ready, I brought it over to their table and lingered a bit. All my other tables had already been served or were waiting for their orders. I didn't like to hover unnecessarily, and I really wanted to talk to Edward. And Jasper.

"So what brings you by today? Not that I don't love the company." I smiled at Edward as moaned after tasting his mashed potatoes. "See I told you they were good."

"You weren't lying. These are fantastic." He took another bite and moaned again. I felt my face heat up and hoped I wasn't blushing. I remembered hearing him moan like that for a very different reason the one time we had really kissed. I cleared my throat.

"Well, Eddie here insisted that we come. He said that he heard the food and service was really good here," Jasper stated with a broad grin. It was Edward's turn to blush. He swallowed audibly and looked at me sheepishly.

"I wanted to see where you worked, and you did say the food was good." There went my squishy, warm, and bubbly insides again. He came to see me. Be still my beating heart.

"Well I'm glad you came. At least now you know I'm not lying about the food." I looked at my shoes and then back up at him. He was wearing a gentle smile. It was the smile that did me in every single time. I wanted to sink into his arms and gaze into his lovely face for eternity. Or at least until I heard Ricky ring the bell and shout "Order's up!" My body may have left to deliver food, refill drinks, and bring customers pieces of homemade apple pie, but my mind lingered on the table with the green eyed boy who filled me with feelings I hadn't felt in so long.


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

_My body may have left to deliver food, refill drinks, and bring customers pieces of homemade apple pie, but my mind lingered on the table with the green eyed boy who filled me with feelings I hadn't felt in so long._

* * *

Chapter 19

"So how are things with Edward?"

Alice and I were sitting at the breakfast table on Saturday morning. It had been almost three weeks since my first appointment with Nancy. I had been to four sessions so far. We did a double session the first week so that we could "get to know one another." Her words. So far, it was going surprisingly well. Talking to someone, anyone, was an enormous relief. Talking to Nancy was, in some ways, so much easier than talking about it to my friends. She wasn't invested the way my friends were. Her feelings weren't hurt if I wasn't comfortable sharing something. She didn't get emotional if I told her something she disagreed with. She was there for me to share without the anxiety and with surprisingly helpful advice. Nancy was my Switzerland.

Alice's voice was casual as she sipped her coffee and browsed some clothing site on her tablet. Her eyes were fixed on the device in her hand, and she was dripping with nonchalance. I smelled a fire. From Alice's designer pants.

Grinning at her over my own mug, I stared her down, waiting patiently for her to make eye contact. To be honest, I wasn't sure I could do anything but grin. I had been grinning almost constantly, manically, the last 3 weeks. I had even talked to Nancy about Edward, if only to explain the smile stretched across my face. She seemed big on a "trust yourself" mentality. According to her, if I felt like I was ready for a relationship, I could be in a relationship. If I didn't feel ready, I wasn't. It was times like those that I wanted to grab her shoulders and shake her like a bobble head until she gave me a straight answer. I wasn't sure I knew how to "trust myself."

When Alice finally glanced up to meet my slightly maniacal grin, she looked away quickly, abashed. I laughed at her antics.

"Coy doesn't look good on you, Alice," I baited gleefully. I was in a good mood. It's possible a certain green-eyed boy had something to do with it. Taking pity on Alice, I set down my coffee cup and reached forward to take Alice's hand. She seemed a little lost, like she wasn't sure how to talk to me, which was preposterous. We had talked about her confessions, my confessions, and my psychologist. She was supportive and understanding, but she was treating me like I was fragile. It was going to stop today.

"Al, it's just me, okay? I once told you about the rodeo cowboy who would only have sex with me on top and insisted I pretend like I was riding a bull." I pretended to grip the horn of a saddle and threw the other hand up in the air in demonstration. Alice burst into little giggles and I put my hand back on hers and squeezed gently. "You shared with me, in graphic detail I might add, about your first time having sex in a hot tub. I could barely look Jasper in the eye for a week. And I will never, ever use the hot tub at your parent's house. I don't care how many chemical treatments you give it."

"Well those jets were very well placed," Alice replied with a snicker.

"It's still us, Al. I'm still the same girl who went sledding with you on trays stolen from the cafeteria. The same girl who was there when your parents got divorced sophomore year. The same girl who got smashed with you when we tried to finish a box of wine ourselves. And the same one who took turns puking in the same bathroom stall as you. I still don't know why we didn't use any of the others. There were three empty ones." I smiled wryly at her. "It's still us. We haven't changed."

Alice smiled warmly at me, reliving those memories with me. Then, the dam broke and her smile turned wicked. "So you and Edward dance the mattress jig? You let Edward lay some pipe down? You guys makin' whoopee?"

"Making whoopee? Really Alice? Where'd you dust that off from? Sometimes, I swear you're from the 1920's." She just smirked at me. "And no, we are not doing the mattress jig. We're taking things slow." The face cracking smile was back, and I beamed at her.

"Slow sounds like a nice change of pace. Have you kissed yet? Any groping I should be aware of? Ooh, please tell me you've felt his love muscle! Is he big? Please tell me he's an anaconda!"

"Slow, Alice! There has been no groping! He's kissed me on the cheek and once, just once, did we really kiss. And it was…wow." I must have looked slightly slack jawed and smitten, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Wow," Alice echoed in a hushed whisper. "Wow? Like earth-quaking, stars-falling wow?" She looked almost as awed as I did.

"Better."

It was strange. For all our talk about sex and our crazy escapades, we never really talked about kissing. Probably because I'd shied away from a topic that almost seemed more intimate to me that "makin' whoopee." Kissing went beyond lust and passion. Kissing could be a real connection with someone. I'd never been ready for that before.

"So really, Bell, how are things going?" Her voice was earnest now, intent on making sure I was okay, that I was happy.

"Like you wouldn't believe, Al. I've seen him almost every day since we first aired everything out. When we're together, he holds my hand. And if I don't see him, we talk on the phone. Shit, I feel like I'm in junior high again when you don't want to hang up the phone. I swear to God if I start playing the 'you hang up, no you hang up' game with him, please take me out back and put me out of my misery. And oh my God, the smiling! I just can't stop. I think my face is going to break. I think I'm even smiling in my sleep." I couldn't even muster up a grimace. I was too happy. "He's been so patient, so understanding. Oh, Al, I didn't remember it could feel this way. It fills up my chest and I feel like I could burst. I don't know if I ever have felt this way, this…strongly." Finally, I felt the smile ebb from my face. In a whisper, I asked, "What if I screw this up?"

She contemplated my question instead of flooding me with platitudes and trite phrases. It was one of the things I liked about Alice. Her eyes glazed over in thought. When she finally refocused on me, she regarded me fondly.

"You like him, I mean really like him. And from what I can tell, he really likes you. It's the kind of thing you fight for, even if it's hard, even if it's messy. Even if you do sometimes let your head get in the way of your heart. You fight for each other. And in the event something else comes up, I am here to kick your ass until you get your head on straight."

I reached over and hugged her tightly and awkwardly since we were both still sitting. I didn't care. Neither did Alice.

When I released her, it was like we were back. She was Alice, and I was Bella. She was my best friend, and I knew that time and distance would never change the bond we had. We had grown together in a way that had irrevocably entangled our lives forever.

She may have been flawed, but so was I. We both knew each other's flaws and loved each other in spite of them. Perhaps even because of them. I would forgive her almost anything because to forgive her was to forgive my other half.

"Oh my God! You have to see this super cute pair of boots I just found!" I picked up my coffee again and let Alice regale me with all the reasons why she simply had to have these boots and how they were entirely different than the three other pairs of black boots that she had.

I smiled to myself. How had I ever thought that Alice would ever leave me? I couldn't shake her even if I tried. She was gum in your hair…that had an unfortunate accident with the super glue bottle…that you tried to pull at but only ended up embedding deeper…that wasn't coming out no matter how much peanut butter the internet told you to smear on it. But in a good way, of course.

* * *

AN: Sorry if Alice got carried away with her euphemisms… she was just having too much fun!

Also, a little ode to my best friend, Dana. Even though 3,000 miles separate us, you're still my best friend, and when we talk, it's like no time at all has passed. Oh, besties. Where would we be without them?


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Reviews make me smile. :)

_I smiled to myself. How had I ever thought that Alice would ever leave me? I couldn't shake her even if I tried. She was gum in your hair…that had an unfortunate accident with the super glue bottle…that you tried to pull at but only ended up embedding deeper…that wasn't coming out no matter how much peanut butter the internet told you to smear on it. But in a good way, of course._

* * *

Chapter 20

"So I've been thinking about asking you on a date."

I froze, my coffee cup poised mid-sip about 2 inches from my lips, my eyes locked on Edward. We were sitting across from each other at Java. We met for coffee two or three times a week when our class and work schedules aligned. Never before had he dropped a bombshell like this over coffee.

Edward was relaxed and leaning back in his chair. His cup was temporarily abandoned as he read a magazine that had been laying on the table when we got here. He glanced up at me and smiled softly before refocusing on his article.

Carefully, I set my coffee back on the table before I scalded myself. I took a couple cleansing breaths and went over what he said in my mind. He was thinking about asking me out. He was thinking…about asking me out. Nancy said it's always better to think things through before reacting. I mentally rolled my eyes. Sometimes I think she was cliché on purpose just to drive me crazy. Still, before I ran out of Java like a bat out of hell, maybe it would do me some good to think it through.

So, Edward was thinking about asking me out. My first impulse was flight, as per usual, because a date was real and serious and scary and potentially heart breaking…

When I could say in my mind that we were just hanging out, it felt safer. But if he asks me out, then we would be dating. Going out. A couple. My eyes flicked back to his beautiful face. He was handsome in a classic way that, even after a month, took my breath away if I was caught off guard. His eyes were framed by long lashes. Alice confessed that she was jealous of them. We secretly joked about putting mascara on him to see how pretty he would look. I smirked a little at the memory. His eyelashes only highlighted his striking green eyes. I could get lost in the different flecks of color I could see when we sat next to each other.

Why was I nervous again? Why was I thinking about running and joining the witness protection program? A date wasn't that scary. I liked spending time with him. He was easy on the eyes and, whether we were talking or silent, I always felt comfortable with him. We saw each other practically every day. We had several meals together in the time that I had known him, mostly take-out sitting around a coffee table, but a meal none the less. This would be just like that. But with less Emmett burping and more linen table clothes. I picked up my coffee and took a sip. Then, I cleared my throat.

"So you've been thinking about it, eh?" I said with feigned indifference. In my chest, my heart was fluttering.

"I have," he stated firmly.

"And what conclusions have you come to?"

"Well, I think I should. It's about time I take you out on a proper date. And what are your thoughts on the matter?" His silly formal speech had me grinning from ear to ear. It could have also been the fact that I was warming up to this date idea.

"Well, my thoughts are leaning towards the warm and accepting end of the spectrum."

"Okay then. Good to know." He grinned cheekily at me and then looked back down at his magazine.

I waited a few beats until I couldn't stand it anymore. "Edward!" I shrieked indignantly. He chuckled like it was hilarious while I was on the edge of my seat. I crossed my arms and did my best to scowl at him. I'm not sure that he bought it.

"Bella, would you do me the honor of going on a date with me?"

The scowl held for about 0.2 seconds before I broke into a radiant smile. "Yes, Edward, I would love to go on a date with you."

* * *

I was looking into the full length mirror in Alice's room and taking in my reflection. I could swear that my ears were still ringing from Alice's squeal when I told her about the date. Her shriek was even louder when I asked her to help me get ready.

Edward had wasted no time after he asked me out. He told me that he would pick me up at 6 and kissed me on the cheek before he left. I sat there rubbing the spot where his lips caressed my cheek for several minutes before I realized the time. I booked it home as fast as my legs could carry me.

Alice kept up an almost constant stream of chatter as I showered, as she blew out and curled my hair, and as she applied my makeup with a steady hand. She complained about the last minute timing of the date because she did not get to take me shopping for a "new first date outfit." She whined that works of perfection took time and Edward needed to give _her_ more notice next time. She transitioned seamlessly into talking about Jasper and the latest romantic thing he had done. I was grateful that I did not need to participate in the conversation. My nerves were back and I was doing my best not to sweat off all of the carefully applied beauty products. I was taking measured breaths so as to keep myself calm.

The woman in the mirror looked like me only better. Her brown hair fell in gentle curls down her back. Her makeup accented her features expertly. She wore dark, form fitting denim jeans. Her shirt was sleeveless and a deep shade of red. It hugged her body until it reached her waist and then it flared out around her hips. She also had on a white sweater to combat the nip that was still in the air.

Turning away from the mirror, I took another deep breath. That woman was me, and we were both going on a date with Edward Masen in under ten minutes. Slipping on the black ballet flats that Alice and I had argued about, I walked out of Alice's room and down the hall into the living room. Alice and Rose were waiting on the couch. I walked until I was in front of them and did a little pirouette. I felt their eyes surveying me as they oohed and ahhed, taking in Alice's work appreciatively. Alice sighed as she glanced at my shoes. I rolled my eyes at her. "Oh, give it a rest Al. I am wearing flats. You already lost this battle."

"Yes, but I will never give up the war! For all the stilettos and wedges out there, I will never surrender!" Alice shook her fist in the air for emphasis. I collapsed on the love seat and giggled at her antics. It felt good to relax for a moment. I basked in the comfortable cadence of their conversation as Rose and Alice traded advice on footwear.

A knock at the door banished any calm I had felt, and the nerves and tension in my body were back. There was also a buzz of excitement and anticipation. It felt like forever since I had seen Edward. I just wanted to be near him. I couldn't wait to see his beautiful face again. I leapt to my feet. Walking, walking is appropriate, I thought to myself. I moved my feet at a normal pace that felt like an eternity. Finally, I was at the door, and there he was.

My memory never could quite do him justice. I felt my face break into a wide grin to match his.

"Edward," I breathed out.

"Bella," he murmured. His eyes took me in, lingering on my legs in a way that made my cheeks flush. He met my fervent gaze. "You look beautiful."

"So do you," I replied without thinking. My blush deepened. I dropped my eyes from his. But he did. His dark wash jeans almost matched mine. He was wearing a classic white button up shirt with the sleeves pushed back to his elbows. He was a walking, talking wet dream, and tonight, he was all mine. I brought my eyes back to his.

"You ready to go?" Edward asked. There was a note of eagerness in his voice that made me melt. He wanted this. He wanted me.

"Almost." I reached back and grabbed a matching red clutch off the side table by the door. "Now I'm ready."

He led me to his waiting car and held my door open for me as I got in. My heart fluttered and my insides went warm and gooey. He jogged around the front of the car and got in the driver's side. His eyes locked with mine. I felt the warmth and affection grow inside my chest and threaten to take over. I felt positively giddy. His eyes studied my face while I studied his.

"You ready?" he asked quietly into the silence.

I didn't hesitate. I didn't pause. I knew the answer with all of my being.

"Yes."

* * *

AN: Sorry it's been a little while since I have updated. I've been feeling less motivation to sit down at my computer and write.

So what should Bella and Edward do on their date? It's been so long since I've been on a first date that I need some ideas people!

As always, thanks for reading.


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